Friday, July 20, 2012

Sweet Smell of Rain and Car Exhaust

 Family Weekly Newsletter

Important Holidays: The week started off with Deanna's birthday, which is shared with National Ice Cream and Tapioca Pudding Day. The 20th of July marks international Moon Day, and tomorrow represents the Ugly Truck Day!

Weather: In the unpredictable weather, the week started off with cloudy, high humidity, and hot weather to get a nice stream of sweat to stroll down the backs of every civilian. Later on it changed to rain with a bit cooler temperature to allow the dead grass to live again.

Urban Dictionary Word of the Day: Weekend Warrior

               Somebody that parties and drinks during the weekends.

               Nate: Mum, can we go get school supplies on Saturday?

               B: Not a chance, I'm going to be a weekend warrior at the HH.

Song of the Week: Africa, Toto

Notable Accomplishments: This weeks author was not privy to anything worth mentioning in this edition of the newsletter, sincere apologies to all who were looking forward to this section.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: You have the brains, money, and connections to make one new invention for the world to cherish. What is the invention and how much would you sell it for?

Internationally Known Sport of the Week: Man Vs. Horse
For those that do not know, this sport that takes place in the Welsh town Llanwrtyd Wells, a man must prove his speed and agility by racing a horse through a cross country race.

Strange News: The largest known black hole is withing the M87 galaxy, and is 6.6 billion times the size of our sun. Fortunately that galaxy is 50 million light years away, and to put that in a bit better perspective, Neptune is 2,795,084,800 miles from the sun (on average, thanks to the elliptical revolving pattern) and it only takes 4 hours for light to go from the sun to Neptune.

PFWN Member of the Week: Tom's first car he owned was a 1971 Roadrunner, his favorite book was the Alphabet Murderer, his favorite job is at the one he is currently employed at, and if he could be a movie star in any movie he would pick a James Bond movie because of all the mystery that man holds.

Thanks (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nada

Look for more next week for a new and riveting edition of the newsletter.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Would you happen to have any Grey Poupon?

Family Weekly Newsletter  
The AHA!! Deluxe edition
Important holidays: Constitution Day (Australia), Silence Day (followers of Meher Baba), World Population Day (international), and Statehood Day (Montenegro)

Weather: Hot and dry. So plan for a day at the pool or just a day to sit back and sip on a cold one (for the classier fellas) to stay cool or chug a cold one (for the less classy fellas, college kids, etc.) to forget the heat.

Hippie Dictionary word of the day: Zowie! (or Wowie-zowie!)

               An exclamation of energy and/or excitement.

               "Wowie-zowie! That is a nice car"

Song of the Week: Santaria, Sublime

Notable Accomplishments: Nate had jury duty, Cam survived his 21st birthday, Allie got a job, Brandi is back at work

Hypothetical situation of the week: You have to get to work... what means of transportation do you use?
                a. AC 130
                b. Hot air balloon 
                c. Rocket Bicycle
                d. Mach 5
                e. Rickshaw
                f. Stilts
                g. Parade Float

Lesser Known Sport of the Week: Toe Wrestling (Fact: toe wrestling was applied for the Olympics in 1997. Surprisingly, it was turned down)

Movie of the Week: King of the Zombies (1941)

Strange News: On 11 July 2012, released a free app named "Bad Date Rescue" to help you get away from those unwanted creepers you meet at the bar. The app fakes an incoming call to allow you to politely bail out.

FWN Member of the week: Carinne currently has ten toes, she last ate pepperoni and banana pepper pizza, she is wearing Candies shoes, if Carinne owned a pet dinosaur it would be a raptor named Alfonzo.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

This article is a continuous learning process so if there are any complaints feel free to put it on the back of a $20 bill and send it to me. 

Friday, July 6, 2012

49 Hues of Red

Issue 17 Volume 5
Guest Editor's Note:  Many contributors joined forces to make this a successful edition of the FWN as the entire Family is on a cruise.  Thank you!
Important Holidays:  All the subscribers look forward to the return of the Family and tales of their follies.  BK turns 49 and Cam turns 21 this week!  Remember:  growing old is mandatory, growing up it optional!
Weather:  Beautiful, booming showers filled our skies while those in this great country celebrated our independence and the Bucco's blasted into 1st place.  A hailstorm gave the guest editor's garden the smackdown and my million bell petunias evidentally enjoy being beat and look positively radiant.
Urbandictionary Word of the Day:  soberazation.  The act of detoxifying yourself through time.
As the Carnival Pride docks.  BK:  Ronno!  I've come to the soberazation we need to find an AA meeting, now!  RE Jr.:  Shanizzle.
Song of the Week:  Happy Birthday Blues, B.B. King
Notable Accomplishments:  Cam, Nate, CP, BK, and RE Jr. went power snorkeling.  Alex, Tracy, and AL won at roulette.  Nate's iPod was stolen by Poseidon.  CP managed to find a Steeler's bar in the Bahamas.  Mark reports Lana is eating and well behaved.  Her new bff is Jake and she can't wait to bite Barson and the rest of the Park Family for leaving her behind.
Hupothetical Situation of the Week:  contributed by the unsubscriber, Cousin Josh.  You have been granted the right to start your own country.  What would it be called?   Who would live there?  What would it be known for?
FWN Member of the Week:  CLOSED FOR SUMMER HOLIDAY!  Thanks!  (clap clap clap clap clap)
Classifieds:  Fulfill your lifelong dream of editorship!  Contact the Official Editor.
Look for more from another honored party,

Friday, June 29, 2012

the garden state

Family Weekly Newsletter
Issue 16 Vol 5
Editor’s Note: This is the last issue from the state of NJ! Interestingly, Vol 1 Issue 23was published in August 2008, and was the last issue before the newsletter HQ relocated to NJ. It was that issue we welcomed Nicole and Mark to the newsletter. Here, the last issue in NJ, we welcome Megan to the newsletter. Cheers and we look forward to her intellectual contribution to the banter!

Important Holidays: Fourth of July

Weather:  A little rhythm, a little blues, and a sunny drafternoon.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Amurica

The phonetic spelling of the redneck pronunciation of America. Pronounced Amurrica (emphasize the mur, elongate the r). Red (neck), white (trash), and blue.

Sparklers in my Budweiser. It’s how we do festive in Amurica.

Song of the Week: See Below

Notable Accomplishments:  REP Jr successfully journeyed to England, and had a discussion where a man asked if he was speaking in an American accent, to which he replied, “No, are you hearing me in an American accent?” Cam has returned from round two of the army. Carinne had her last day at her job. Mark is on the buzztime leaderboard at HH.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: The only HSOTW that gets repeated, yearly, the Friday of the Family Summer Vaca. Hypothetically speaking, you’re the editor of the newsletter. What’s the song of the week?

FWN Member of the Week: Nada!      

The FWNMOTW office is closed for the summer holiday. Cheers!

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds:  July will be a guest-editor series. If you are looking to fulfill a lifelong dream of editorship, feel free!

Look for more next time,

burgh or bust
Official Editor

Friday, June 22, 2012

Don't Grow Up; It's a Trap

Family Weekly Newsletter
Issue 15 Vol 5
Editor’s Note: Beginning the week of July 9, the newsletter will be published from a new city! Our offices and HQ are relocating!

Important Holidays: Gina’s Birthday, Tracy’s Birthday

Weather:  35 days until the Olympics. Start jogging now, and you won’t feel quite so bad when someone runs a mile in under four minutes, and you can’t even stop running your mouth for under five. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Urbandictionary word of the day (by AL)Stupidhead

A resident of Stupidtown, which is the official name of UM, RE Jr, and AL’s childhood town.

Nate: High School, class of 2012.
Alex: College, class of 2011.
AL: Stupidtown, top of the class.

Song of the Week: Reptar, Sebastian

Notable Accomplishments:  Alex finished her final grad school assignment and is henceforth on summer vacation.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    Inspired by recent events:

Celebrity Death Match: Your shoulder angels, the good one vs the bad one. Who wins?

Please note, this is not for your conscience. So while in real life, if you see someone who needs help, maybe you’d assume your good angel wins. Or if a cashier rings something up incorrectly and you don’t say anything, your bad one wins. This is completely unrelated to anything with any sort of moral consequence.

FWN Member of the Week: Tracy!      

The US city Tracy has never been to and would like to visit is Albuquerque. If she had to give up one of her senses it would be smell. Strawberry is Tracy’s favorite ice cream flavor, and today she is wearing black wedges.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds:  July will be a guest-editor series. If you are looking to fulfill a lifelong dream of editorship, feel free!

Look for more next time,

burgh or bust
Official Editor 

Friday, June 15, 2012

Fifty Shades of Grenade

Family Weekly Newsletter
Issue 14 Vol 5

Important Holidays: First Day of Summer

Weather:  A bittersweet fog will cover the vicinity as eras are ending and others are beginning. Twenty-two consecutive years of the ups and downs of public education are over for LV family. Summer is officially in full swing for the whole newsletter. Cheers.

Urbandictionary word of the day: iFinger

The finger you purposely keep clean when eating, cleaning, etc, so you can use it on your phone.

Carinne gets wing sauce on her face, hair, and all fingers except one. This is the texting and Buzztime iFinger.

Song of the Week: Imagine Dragons, It’s Time

Notable Accomplishments:  Congratulations Nate on graduating from High School! The fourth and final Shaler High School graduation of LV family takes place tonight. Congrats to Cam on graduating from army training! Congrats to Alex for finishing her school year (and the great thank-yous her students sent her)! Get well soon Sasha, who underwent surgery and is now unable to reproduce.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    You’re starting your own cable TV channel. What is it? For example you could do something like ESPN 8, The Ocho. Or, Dive Bar Dish Network. Or, Sappy Chick Flick ChannelAll Johnny Depp All DayAll Carinne All Day. Anything you want.

FWN Member of the Week: Gina!      

Gina was named Gina because her mom liked the name and her dad liked Gina Lollobrigida. Her first job ever was in Woolworth’s pet department where she once had to catch a 3lb hamster with gum in its mouth. The US city she’s never been to but would like to visit is Napa Valley (editor is skeptical that she’s never ben there). Lastly, as guest editor, her favorite section to write was the Song of the Week.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Congratulations class of 2012!!!   Cheers, cheers for old shaler high! You bring the whiskey, I’ll bring the wine! Send some freshmen out for gin and don’t let the sober sophomores in. Juniors never stagger, seniors never fall!

Look for more next time,

class of 2004
Official Editor

Friday, June 8, 2012

Oh My Goodness, It Looks Like We Got Us a Natural Disaster!!!! : Family News Letter Guest Editor Edition Featuring.....Mark and Gina!!! Volume Alpha and Omega (you prob won't let us do it again after this.....)

Intro: Welcome to another Guest Editor Edition of the FN!!  Just keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times until it comes to a complete and total stop and it is unlikely you will get hurt!!  If for some reason you like to do things you are told not to do, check your local yellow pages for the nearest hospital to your current location..In lieu of the hospital at least know the lcation of the closest bar/liquor store for purposes of self medication....Drafternoon anyone???

Notable Accomplishments: Elmont, NY is all abuzz at Belmont Park (who is an honorary member this week) for a horse of course and I'll Have Another too thank you very much  (Don't forget, you take a horse with a big a$$ in field like this, and you got yourself a winner) ....Lana took 6 naps per day this week.....Chula barked at the mail man each day.....Bo the Wonder Dog just looked damn cute...Mom's Dog was overly affectionate to all who got near....and everyone is going to have a"Dog Day Afternoon" waiting for the work day to stop and the weekend to start.....

Weather Report:  The weekend is upon us and the weatherman is calling for a downpour of gamma rays that are expected to continue through the end of the weekend.  It is imperative that you go hippity hop to the local "pop" shop to gather your fav libations as deck/porch/pool sitting is mos def in your future.  An umbrella of sun screen is recommended but certainly not required.  Little umbrellas in the glass are also optional....Temps indicate it will take 8 to 10 cold "pops"  to keep you correctly libated throughout the day.

Urban Dictionary WOD:  Hung Under
Meaning not to drink, stay home and sleep 10 hours rendering a great feeling of energy and vitality the next day...something most of the members of this forum have never experienced....

Barson: Hey Carinne, you gonna come out with us tonight?

Carinne:  I though I might stay in so I'm hung under in the morning..

Barson:  You gotta come with.... There is a special on Patron and we decided to celebrate Drinko De Mayo!!!

Carinne:  Okay, you twisted my lime...I'm in....

Song of the Week: "Baker's Street"......Atlanta Rythm Section....(I know...G and I are just old school like that and we love sax...)

Special Cigar and Wine Section:
Wine of the Week -- Santa Rita Cabernet; Maipo, Chile:  This cab at approximately $10 a bottle is a steal in the 2010 vintage.  The wine is rich on the palatte and provides deep dark fruit notes with a clean long finish...refined and appealing it tastes like a cab you would expect to pay more than double that to acquire....
Cigar of the Week -- Illusione Epernay Toro:  A medium to full bodied flavor bomb that sends out a creamy rich smoke with hints of pepper, cedar, earth, and a hint of caramel essence; it pairs with the wine of the week to perfection...

FNSOTW:  There was deadlock between the editors on which way to go....sooooooo..we will let the SOTW be readers choice between our finalists.  You pick the SOTW that interested you and why...

1.  Demigod Hate and Destruction Death Match -- Gengis Khan, Caligula, and Ming the Merciless....Who is meaner, nastier, and more monsterous and wins????

2.  You develop a vaccine that will cure all of the worst diseases in the world....but it is fatal to 5% of those who take it.....make billions or back to the drawing board....

And now, back to more levity....

FNMOTW is Carinne!!!!!!!  Carinne is usually writing so seldom gets to be MOTW and was extremely excited about our choice.  The last beer she drank was a Belgian Tripel with a name longer than and harder to spell than Duke's Basketball Coach.  Her choice between Hall and Oates is Darrel Hall because she has an affinity for 4 letter last names.  If Carinne were a mood ring her color would be yellow as she was extremely hung over at the time I asked the question.  Carinnes fav Crustaceans are crabbbbbbbbs ( the sea kind, not the STD)

Gina and I want to thank you for the opportunity to host the newsletter.  Thanks and have a great weekend!!  That's all folks!!!!!

Mark and Gina
Guest Editor's Du Jour
Hopeless Wino's