So this is an epic issue. Suggest taking it to the John with you! Thanks to all the guest editors for your fantastic contributions! The variety is very entertaining.
Family Weekly Newsletter
Issue 1 Vol 2
I would like to personally thank all of our avid readers for their loyalty to the newsletter. Your comments, suggestions, and responses are always enjoyed and highly anticipated as each Friday afternoon rolls around.
We’ve had a year of great things: from drunken weather predictions, to indubitable new vocabulary additions, to endless debates of Cap’n Crunch vs Cap’n Morgan, it has been very fun.
As a celebratory issue, you will see each section of the newsletter is written by another member of the F. This brings variety to the issue (and also gives the editor a day off… sort of). So crack open a cold one, start up your drafternoon, and enjoy. From all of us here at the FWN, we look forward to the next year of chaos!
Ps. Happy Friday the 13th.
Important Holidays (brought to you by BK): Friday the 13th for the 2nd month in a row!
March 13 - Jewel Day – always a fav. However men & women tend to have different jewels in mind.
March 14 – National Potato Chip Day – National mind you. Have some ready for any parade you may be attending this year.
March 15 – a 2-fer! Buzzard Day (ugh) and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day, which is the norm in my household
March 16 – Everything You Do Is Right Day. Yay! Atonement!
March 17 – Submarine Day which is generally overshadowed by the Awesome St Patrick’s Day
March 18 – Supreme Sacrifice Day. Seriously? Oh my.
March 19 – Poultry Day so “Eat Mor Chiken” as the cows say
Basically nothing worth celebrating except St Patty’s, so let’s do that all week long.
Weather (brought to you by DL): A blanket of green will cover the country beginning on Saturday through Tuesday as Irish and Irish Wanna-bees take to the streets and bars in search of their inner leprechaun. Wednesday sees a thick fog rolling in around 2AM lingering through the rest of the week, resulting in mass absenteeism.
Special Holiday Section: You had to see this coming – your Leprechaun name generator!
Special Sports & Stogies Section (brought to you by RE): The 2009 Iditarod race began this week in Willow, AK. In a new twist, the mushers were forced to pull the dogs on the first leg of the race. The mushers commented after a "ruff" day of sled pulling that the exertion was not too bad but the dog chow sucked. The huskies however seemed to like the arrangement after several were seen eating steaks, drinking scotch and smoking Montecristos howling at some quip.
In anticipation of March Madness beginning next week, several employers have decided to just shut down operations until after Easter. Several CEOs (smoking Cuban Cohibas) quoted, just before leaving on the company jet for the Bahamas, that they were disappointed at the poor level of productivity and wasted company resources especially during this economy. Of course, the editor of this section always looks forward to donating cash to the March Madness cause and the ridicule from being beaten in the pool by his wife who picks teams based on mascots and colors.
The world baseball classic began this week with the first major upset when the Netherlands beat the Domincan Republic. Amazingly, all the players from the Amsterdam area passed the mandatory drug testing.
In celebration of St. Patrick's Day 2009, Ireland will host the first ever St. Patrick’s Olympics. Key contests will be highlighted by the cereal eating contest, Guinness chug, St. Pattys snake chase and the rainbow run. During the Olympic qualifiers, the Irish cereal contest winner was distraught saying "I can't believe I ate me lucky charms". In winning the American Guinness chug event the athlete produced a great belch and said "mmmmm Beeeeer". The St. Patty’s snake chase front runner is from Italy. The Vatican Padre claims that the power of Christ compels him. And in the American qualifier for the rainbow run, Dorothy reached the pot of gold first followed by the Will and Grace cast and in third place a teary eyed Clay Aiken said, I am just happy I could come out.
All contest winners will receive a medal and Patty O'Furniture.
This weeks Cigar of the week is the Rocky Patel ITC 10th anniversary Toro. This is a smooth but sneaky strong smoke that hints of coffee, almond and earthy flavors. Enjoy this cigar after eating pasta, pork or veal and a glass of pinot noir. I grew to love this cigar since it won me an HDTV.
Urbandictionary word of the day (brought to you by AK): inbox rot:
To neither accept, nor decline a friend request from someone on Facebook or Myspace. Used in situations when you don't want to accept someone's friend request, but you also don't want to be rude by declining them.
Familie: Dude, Mum and Dad BOTH just made a Facebook and friended me. Now the whole clan is on there! What do I do?
Barson: What do you mean? I have been inbox rotting them for two weeks straight!
BONUS Alex Dictionary Word of the Week (brought to you by AK): BONUS SECTION!!
gastro-intestinal virus: (v) to lie on a couch days on end being a very bad active human being and generally making everyone around you wish they were anywhere else. Also, you usually smell pretty awful due to your recent loss of body functioning.
Cam: Nate! Play Playstation with me?
Nate: Man, you have been gastro-intestinal virusing me all week. I'd rather go cut grass.
Song of the Week (brought to you by MJ): Dire Straits, Skateaway
Notable Accomplishments (brought to you by DM): Tuesday night was the night of the Full Worm Moon, it is when the earthworms begin to thrive and the robins return and it signals end of winter. Michael and Tracy are going to NY for the Big East Championship at Madison Square Garden this weekend. Tracy went to a Coach-Prada Bingo party and won a $2 Yankee Candle, woohoo. Her friend won a Coach bag, eat your heart out Carinne. Carinne has beaten her grandmother in Scrabble 7 to 1! Cam's hair is growing in, will it come in straight? Tom is out of the hospital, we wish him well. Ron Sr is getting a power chair, look out everyone he will be on a roll. WVU advances to the next round in basketball!
Hypothetical Situation of the Week (brought to you by NC): You go to a bar with your friends for a party only to find out that your favorite alcoholic beverage is sold out! You can:
A) stomp out mad
B) ignore the fact and buy something else
C) hold the bar hostage until you get the drink
D) make up some crazy sob story until they get some for you.
What do you do? If D, what is your story?
NC Answer: He would “rehh rehh pfpfpfpf” the bartender until he received the drink.
FWN Member of the Week: The FWN!
The FWN officially celebrates its birthday this week. Appearing every Friday afternoon like clockwork, it signals your weekend is almost here. It provides educational information and has provided a medium for help when you need advice (Ravens Jersey anyone?). Cheers to another good year!
Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)
Classifieds: Eh this issue is long enough.
Look for more next time,
McCarinne
Green beer
Official Editor
