A shark once bit my sister

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 3 Vol 3

Important Holidays: First Day of Passover

Weather:  Internet sources report that in CanCun one is not drunk 24/7 but that the actual ratio is 25/7. This is a world-wide phenomenon and if you plan on traveling there, please be sure you’re able to account for this difference.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Free-esta

A fiesta of free things.

The bar had a free-esta and Carinne came home with a new XXXXL PBR t-shirt.

Every first day of spring, Rita’s Italian Ice has a free-esta.

Song of the Week: Beer in Mexico, Kenny Chesney

Notable Accomplishments:  Logan scored his team’s last goal of their hockey season, which was also his first scored goal ever.  Tracy won first and second rounds of Bud Light’s “Quarters” and she goes to the final four this weekend. If she wins, she gets a trip to Vegas. It’s Carinne’s last day of her current job. Carinne won $50 in basketball pools so far. RE Jr currently scores 50^th and 4^th in two pools: compare to BK’s 70^th and 188^th, respectively.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:  Would you rather:

a)      Canoe to Cuba?

b)      Jog to California?

c)      Bike to Toronto?

d)      Cross country ski across Antarctica?

FWN Member of the Week: Nicole!

If Nicole had to choose an extra finger or an extra toe, she’d pick the extra finger because that allows for more bling, and an extra toe would make it hard to wear her cute shoes. If she went to a bar and put green food coloring in her beer, her beer of choice would be Stella, but she’d prefer Grey Goose. Her breakfast was a Fiber One Peanut Butter and Oats bar. Lastly, she can hold her breath for approximately 20 seconds (can someone in DLM please verify this?).

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: If you’re interested in being a guest editor for next week’s issue, please let me know.

Look for more next time,

El Moolah

Senioritas and Margaritas

Official Editor 

The Original GTL

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 2 Vol 3

Important Holidays: Free Rita’s Ice Day, Aunt Lynne’s Birthday, First Day of Spring

Weather: As male peacocks puff out their feathers to attract attention, men during march madness will puff out their chests based on their pool results. However, with all of these upsets, this may quickly be replaced with faint mumblings of “stupid basketball… when is football season”?

Urbandictionary word of the day: verbal handcuffs

When someone won’t stop talking and you are trapped, forced to sit there and listen even though you’ve given many obvious clues that you’ve checked out of the conversation.

This week Carinne gave electronic handcuffs by flooding everyone’s work and personal emails and blackberries with messages updating on her life every ten seconds for two hours.

Song of the Week: American Woman, The Guess Who

Notable Accomplishments Carinne had a few beers and sent a record setting fifty emails to her family on Tuesday. Alex got her internship. Chloe got into the Masters of Education program at the university. Carinne also got a new job. Aunt Lynne has received a number of freebies since it is her birthday including: starbucks, smokey bones, red robin, houlihan’s, and quaker steak & lube. Ron Jr has won $20 in the block pool already.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:  You’re given your regular salary, no more, no less, same vacation time, no more no less. But for two years, instead of doing your job, you do your dream job. What is it?

It has to be a real position, not like a professional sit on your couch and watch BS TV all day. “Dale” is a weirdo person, not a job title.

FWN Member of the Week: Aunt Lynne!

Turning “half a century plus one” feels like turning half a century, just less fanfare. Her favorite dessert is Mum Mum’s cheese cake. If travel time were the same, she’d take the train so she could see the country side (over car, plane, and boat). Lastly, her favorite class in high school was German.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Editor needs new croc flip flops. Black, please.  

Look for more next time,

The Paris Hilton of Trenton

New Jersey: not part of the US

Official Editor

America Runs on Drunkin

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 1 Vol 3

Has it really been ~104 issues? Time flies. Another great year. Thanks everyone! You all make my Friday afternoons hilarious and my workday bearable. The creativity that I hear from everyone is incredible. Thanks for always making me laugh and for putting the WOTW to good use. Additionally: Please remember it’s Spring Forward, so set your clocks up!

Special “clapclapclapclapclap” to the guest editors. They responded last minute and met the editor’s treacherous deadline. Well played!

Important Holidays (Brought to you by RE & BK): March 13, 1781  Uranus discovered.  (and here I didn't know I'd lost it)

March 14th:  National Potato Chips Day  (Bev can have some with her green beer)

March 15, 44BC  Julius Cesar Assasinated (and you thought Washington Politics were rough?)

March 15th:  Beware of the Ides of March ........ oooooo scary

March 16th:  National Buzzard Day  (and you Buzzards know who you are!)

March 17th:  Submarine Day.  the boat type of submarine but feel free to eat a sub

March 18th (no year)  The Pilsbury Dough Boy's Birthday (go ahead Dough Boy eat some more cake)

March 18th:  National Lacy Oatmeal Cookie Day (who comes up with this crap?)

March 19th, (again no year)  Wyatt Earp and Sparky the Fire dog's Birthday (I bet I know how Sparky puts out a fire)

happy.  

Oh yeah St. Patrick's Day (or spank a leprachaun day) ....where are you hiding Bevie

March 19th:  National Chocolate Caramel Day (Hey you got chocolate in my Caramel!)

Weather (Brought to you by AK):  The giant green cloud present during the weekend and first half of the week isn't a tornado warning, it’s a leprechaun warning. Grab hold of your Guinness, Jameson, potatoes, and lucky charms as a swarm of drunken debauchery is on the forecast. Watch out for drunken texts Fifferrererer, and obscene singing and all around bad behavior.

Special Sports & Stogies Section (By RE Jr): After a successful two week launch of the MOCL (Major Outdoor Curler's League), the budding league was forced to shut down as massive melting occurred all over the north east.  Pitt loses in their first Big East Tournament game (and all the panther fans in pantherville go boo hoo hoo).  Car washing season officially opened this week causing piggy banks across the country to be emptied.  Upcoming sports for this weekend: Doggie Bomb Pick Up (Cam and Nate’s favorite), Christmas in March (or as I call it, finally get the outside lights down), NCAA selection Sunday (followed by the lowest productivity of the year as everyone is score/game watchin on their company computers for two weeks) and finally, Ben Rothlisberger's new video: Bally's, Bathrooms and Babes will be released this weekend.  In it, Ben describes how his football machismo wins over the ladies and proclaims his secret as: "its all in how you grip it"

Stogie of the week is:  Perdomo ESV '91 Epicure.  This is a robust smoke with a great blend of Nicaraguan tobaccos sure to give you a stogie buzz.  This ain't your granny's tabakee, so stick to your Macanudo if you can't take a little smack down.

Urbandictionary word of the day: recrap

To summarize a discussion comprised of useless BS.

Every week, the FWN recraps all the ongoings of the family and their friends.

Song of the Week (by MJ): Lily Allen, It’s Not Fair

Notable Accomplishments (Brought to you by BK):   Lexy made the New Oxford cheer team. We welcome Tim, Nicole’s husband, to the newsletter! CP sang karaoke in Williamsport. The BEVIEK mobile survived its gas tank transplant, get well cards are accepted. Cam bought his 1st Les Paul. Gina got a new job. Darlene is adjusting to all the @#$%ing at her new job. Alex is a high candidate for her summer job. RE JR is never ever drinking again. Most of the snow has melted at LV. Carinne bought her most expensive beer ever ($9.50 at Madison Square Garden) and UM drank a Guinness through a straw.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week (brought to you by R Jr):  The government has just given you a visa card with $5000 on it as an economic stimulus.  There are a few stipulations:  You must spend the entire amount, and you must spend it on someone else.  What do you buy and for who?  And you cannot say, I would pay off my daughters school loans or make a bill payment for someone. Has to be a material object.

FWN Member of the Week: The FW Newsletter

If the newsletter were given the choice between an extra finger or toe, it would pick the finger (all the more to type with!). If the FWN were to play a sport, it would be baseball, because let’s face it, when you’re watching the game from home it’s really only the commentary that is anything interesting. The newsletter’s current favorite color is purple and for breakfast it had a large serving of crap.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Editor needs new croc flip flops. Black, please.  

Look for more next time,

The Paris Hilton of Trenton

New Jersey: not part of the US

Official Editor

Pour some Jager on me (come on, Jager me up)

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 52 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Cinco de Marcho, Everyone’s unbirthday

Weather:  Protect your sandwiches and bullfrog beer, all, as it is reported that sandwich-zilla and bullfrog-zilla are on a rampage.

Urbandictionary word of the day: (name)-ish

When you make up a word or phrase that doesn’t exist in any language.

The Rons in Ronville all speak Ronnish. Today is a major holiday, as they celebrate Cinco de Marcho.

Augup (sp?) meant “popsicle” in Carinnish when she was young.

In Barsonish, drunk is said as “fiferererer”

Song of the Week: Queens of the Stone Age, White Wedding

Notable Accomplishments:  Cameron got a warning when he was pulled over. Carinne took her first zumba class. Barson saw the midnight showing of Alice in Wonderland, and her room mates said she has uncanny similarities to the Mad Hatter. Nate & Cam made honor roll. Lexy is trying out for the school cheer team. Aunt Lynne is enjoying a variety of free/discount coupons as it is her birthday month. Tom’s bronchitis has him on steroids, so we’re hoping he’ll win the home run derby this year.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:  It’s your unbirthday. Please pick a gift!

a)      Box #1

b)      Box #2

c)      Box #3

d)      Box #4

FWN Member of the Week: Dr. Ali

If Ali were in Alice in Wonderland, she’d be Alice, as she falls down things, tries food/drinks she shouldn’t, and has crazy friends. The most recent song on her iPod was Usher’s “Love in this Club”. Today she learned that t (9:22) is known as the “Philadelphia Chromosome” and is part of Chronic Myeloprolifertive Leukemia. Ali’s shampoo is specially formulated with vitamins that keep hair healthy and strong, while protecting the color.  Her shampoo also keeps her hair moisturized so it doesn’t need washed daily.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Editor got a Pandora bracelet. Feel free to contribute.

Look for more next time,

Abominable Snowoman

New Jersey: not part of the US

Official Editor