Don't mess with me, Porckchop

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 46 Vol 1

Important Holidays: Steelers Superbowl Sunday, Groundhog Day

Weather: Eight more weeks of winter is bearable with a Lombardi Trophy to keep you warm at night. Bust out the black and gold this weekend; it's all the rage on the fashion watch.

Special New Years Weight Loss Section: Ron Jr lost 5 lbs! Go Ron! Carinne's girlscouts delivered their cookies this week, so her diet is officially bunk.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Roethlisburger

A burger, sold at Peppi's on the North Side. It includes a concoction of beef, sausage, scrambled eggs and American cheese. The price for No. 7's namesake sub? $7, of course.

Lynne: Yinz wantto go dahntahn n'at? For lunch I could use a Roethlisburger.

Mick: Yea, and an Arn City to go with it.

Song of the Week: "Here We Go Steelers", both the official song and the chant, by various drunk people at various bars

Notable Accomplishments: Lexy has a cheer tournament upcoming; pictures from the competition have been sent out (they're really cool!). Bev's first yoga class was canceled. Alex was officially initiated into her sorority. Since the Steelers won the AFC champs, Carinne has received 28 Steelers related forward emails and three Steelers related forward texts. Christine's neighborhood psychic predicts the Super Bowl score to be 28-13 Steelers.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: Would you be willing to clean ALL of the toilets at the Tampa Stadium Monday after the game if you were given free tickets and lodging to the game?

For those of you who the answer to that is "HECK NO", here's another HSOTW. Would you rather be the person who does the laundry for all the sweaty nasty sports gear for both teams, or be the coach of the losing team?

FWN Member of the Week: The Terrible Towel!!!!

The terrible towel was born on December 27, 1975. Its father, Myron Cope, is a legendary steelers announcer. The Towel has been to Mt Everest, and made an appearance on Saturday Night Live. Sales from the towel have accumulated over $2mil, and benefits Pennsylvania schools for students with disabilities. During the 2005 superbowl season, it is reported that 1 trillion terrible towels were sold.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Remember when, you were little, and someone would ask you what city you lived in? You'd say "Picksburgh". Then, your older, wiser, smart a$$ relative would say, "Picksburgh?? Like Pick-your-nose-burgh?" and you'd get all flustered and upset and not have a response? Yeah. Bad times. UM would like to announce that Mrs. Piggy's measurements are 27-20-36.

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Paul-lamb-a-lou n@

Official Editor

Secret Asian Man

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 45 Vol 1

Important Holidays: Chinese New Year (Monday, hit up the buffets!)

Special Holiday Section: Let's get pepped up for the Chinese New Years by looking back to issue #23, from August 14^th. The HSOTW was: You become a fortune-cookie-fortune writer. What is the prank fortune you write in one of the cookies?

Here are some of your answers.

Fortune: "I hope you didn't eat this cookie"

Fortune straight to the point:  "In bed"

Fortune:  This space for rent

Fortune. Wadda u lookin at?!

Fortune: Made in Taiwan

Fortune: Keep eating fortune cookies and your ass will get big.

Weather: Massive amounts of bloating roll in after way too much lo mein sinks into the system. Keep your gas-ex on hand, folks.  

Special New Years Weight Loss Section: Keep up on the good work! Only three more weeks til the competition ends. The only update this week is that AJ has unfortunately gained weight.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Obamama

Michelle Obama. The First Lady of the 44th President of the United States of America, Barack Obama.

Here comes Mr. President and his Obamama.

Notable Accomplishments: We welcome Chloe, Carinne's room mate from college, to the FWN! Plans are being made for many to return to the Steeler Mecca to pay homage for the bowlio de supero.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: So, you're elected for president or some crazy thing like that. Who'd vote for you, no one knows. Must be that hella campaign job you did… Giving out free booze always works… So here we go –

What are you elected president of? What is the first bill/ordinance/law (call it what you will) that you sign?

FWN Member of the Week: Nicole!

Nicole had a gyro for lunch, since apparently there was a competition at work and she was on the losing team (and did not receive a pizza lunch). Superlame. When the superbowl day rolls around, she will be wearing her Jeff Reed Jersey, jeans, black and gold scarf, and black and gold beads. She doesn't have a favorite superbowl snackfood, but enjoys making chili for everyone because

A) everyone says it's world class and

B)it's really the only thing she knows how to make. (I think we should have a FWN private screening/taste test of this chili.)

Her high school mascot was a 'Raider' of Seneca Valley Raiders.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: You wan wai wice or fei wice?

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Fortune: Great drunkenness awaits

Official Editor

The Real Beer Bellies of Stillers Country

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 44 Vol 1

Special Early Edition because many recipients will be on holiday tomorrow

Important Holidays: MLK Jr Day, Obama's Inauguration, Geo Birthday, AFC/NFC Championship games

Weather: For those of us unfortunate enough to not be traveling to warmer weather to celebrate MLK Jr day, bust out your coronas, swim suit, beach towel, and crank the heat. Fill up your bathtub with hot hot water, soak in the humidity. Blare some Jimmy Buffett and hire your younger sibling/son/daughter to serve you drinks. Who says you can't bring the tropics to you?

Special New Years Weight Loss Section: To help motivate you, here are some inspirational tidbits:

Aunt Lynne is kicking butt with a 4.6lb weight loss! UM is not kicking butt as he was unaware the competition had started. (The competition has started). Bev ordered a salad (albeit a taco salad) for lunch yesterday. It is reported that her lunch lady was "astounded". Bev also lost 4 oz. Woohoo! Keep up the good work!

Urbandictionary word of the day: Kitchenheimer's

When you're in the kitchen going around in circles because you can't remember what you were doing there.

Blimpie: (singing to herself as she walks down the stairs) Where's the cheezits, where's the cheezeits, where's the cheezits… (Arrives in kitchen) OOOH! Forbitten cookies!!! … wait why did I come down here? Darn kitchenheimer's.

Notable Accomplishments: Poppy has begun outpatient therapy, 3x per week. Ron & Bev will be in Palm Springs this time tomorrow. Carinne will be sober in her cubicle this time tomorrow. If the Steelers lose on Sunday, it's UM's fault. Bev is embarking on a yoga class that lasts til mid-April! Carinne found her long lost watch.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: MLK Jr's speech is something to be honored and respected. This HSOW does not intentionally offer any insolence or contempt to his legacy. My apologies if you are offended.

You're standing in front of

1. A bar full of drunk British cowboys/cowgirls
2. All of the fans, players, news stations, etc, that are at the Steelers game on 1/18 (this Sunday) (so you're on the turf at Heinz Field)
3. Your boss
4. The creativity, marketing, taste testing, and innovation team of Milwaukee's Best (and Beast Light)

You are handed a microphone. You begin with, "I have a dream," and continue with ?

FWN Member of the Week: Ronno Eugeneo Senioro

For breakfast, Poppy had OJ, French toast, oatmeal, and tea. If he could be on any game show, he would want to be on the Price is Right. His favorite wine is Franzia Chardonnay, and in high school his favorite class was math.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Carinne is doing beer Olympics this weekend. Her team is representing the Transylvania Transvestites, and you have to dress to represent your country. Any suggestions?

Look for more next time,

Carizzle Parizzle

I have a dream

Official Editor

Not-So- Hypothetical Advice Column

Dear Car-Ann Landers,

I am a faithful Stiller fan and have been all of my life.  And, as with most of your readers I am sure, for the last 10 years my hatred of the Cleveland Browns has transitioned into despise for the new Baltimore Ravens  Lately I have run into a dilemma, on which I could really use some guidance.

At the beginning of the playoffs, two weeks ago, I wore a Miami Dolphins jersey to protest the Ravens participation in the playoffs.  The Dolphins lost to the Ravens that day.

Last week, I wore a Tennessee (Oilers) Jersey in a follow up attempt to knock the Ravens out.  They, then, also lost to the Ravens.

Clearly, you can see my quandary for the upcoming week.  My wife and I will be traveling this weekend and will be out of town for the Steelers-Ravens game on Sunday.  I am growing increasingly frustrated in trying to determine what to pack for the big game, THIS WEEK!  If I wear my Jack Lambert jersey, would a Steeler loss be all my fault? 

I sure would appreciate any advice that you or your readers might have.

Signed,
Standing in front of my Closet

The Real Housewives of Steeler Country

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 43 Vol 1

Special Early Edition because the editor will be on holiday tomorrow

Important Holidays: None… do a shot anyway.

Weather: Bring out your black and gold kids, it's playoff season. Enjoy the last few weeks of football season as you won't get any more action until August!  

Special New Years Weight Loss Section: Would anyone be interested in doing a FWN biggest loser challenge? From now until, say Valentine's Day. Weigh yourself now and then on Feb 12 (a reminder will be sent). Biggest percent loss wins – we'll do it honor code style (so you don't have to tell everyone your weight, but you can say the % you lost. So if Alex did it and said she'd lost 15% of her weight, we'd know she was lying, because she doesn't have 15% to lose). Anyway, Carinne will be doing it, even if she's the only one (woohoo guaranteed win in that scenario!).

Special "Get Green" Section: Carinne read in a magazine that using drain cleaners are very bad for the environment. They offered an alternative method. Since Carinne had a clogged drain, and all of the ingredients, she gave it a shot.

The recipe calls for ½ cup baking soda and ½ cup of vinegar. Carinne pulled these out, thought for a minute, and realized they looked familiar (ever make a volcano when you were little?). The instructions told her to pour the half cup of baking soda down the drain and then chase it with vinegar. After experimenting, she realized it was better to do it in smaller increments – a bit of baking soda, a bit of vinegar, a bit of baking soda, a bit of vinegar until you've used appx ½ cup of each. Yes you'll get some bubbling, but it'll take all the gunk in the drain with it.

After a few minutes, pour a pot of very hot water (the recipe said boiling; Carinne didn't want to do that to the pipes in the wintertime, so she just made it very very hot) down the drain to remove any residual baking soda.

IT WORKED!!!

Urbandictionary word of the day: faceboink

Hooking up with someone through a tentative relationship in an online community

So are they seeing each other now, or was it just a faceboink?

Song of the week: Spirit in the Sky, Norman Greenbaum

Notable Accomplishments: UM is on the front of this year's flyer for cigarfest! Very awesome. Carinne is frustrated because of all the "new years resolution" people at the gym. Every year, they gym is packed the first two weeks of Jan and then dwindles down through the first or second week of Feb. Until then, there are no machines for the typical gym-goers. Lame.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: lasses: would you rather have a beer belly or be forced to watch every NFL game that you get on your cable TV every week (we're talking a good 15 hours of football every week) for a year?

laddies: would you rather carry a purse (not a manly one... it's obviously a woman's purse) or be a vegetarian for a year?

FWN Member of the Week: Ronno Junioro

Ron's first pets include a dog named Missy and a guinea pig named Rusty. The last time he showered was 11:17 this morning. If he could have anything in the world for lunch today, it would be HH wings and a salad. For lunch today, Ron is actually eating HH wings and a salad.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Alex is still available for hire! Will do any odd jobs! On this season's Biggest Loser, there is a team of two with the names "mike and ron".

Look for more next time,

Carizzle Parizzle

Happy New Year

Official Editor

Blacker than night were the lungs of el puko

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 42 Vol 1

Important Holidays: Nada

Weather: Depression will cross the nation as many will realize that they are utter failures at their new year's resolutions.

Urbandictionary word of the day: brickberry

A term for the old, outdated phone you have to use when your current phone breaks.

"It takes me ten minutes to type a text message on this brickberry now that my iPhone broke, but at least I get to play snake."

Song of the week: DJ Earworm - United State of Pop 2008 (viva la pop). You can download this for free athttp://www.djearworm.com/, very cool. On that site is also a link to his 2007 mix of top 25 billboard songs (the United State of Pop 2007), which, in my opinion is better, but does not apply to the end of 2008.

Notable Accomplishments: Check out some of Ali's poetry, written in high school, published at this website: http://poetry.com/dotnet/P2847675/999/6/display.aspx . Although we thought it was impossible, Hanovers have made trash less friendly for the environment by buying a trash can that needs plugged in. (That thing is scary. The editor is afraid to use it. She is afraid her hand will be chopped off.) Additionally, it is 146 miles (2.5 hours) from Carinne to UM&T. Lexy is home from Atlanta; Cam and Nate are finishing up their winter break.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: What did you make a toast to on NYE? If you did not make a toast, what would you like to make a toast to?

FWN Member of the Week: This is an old one. Ramon!!! If you remember, the editor has a randomized excel sheet that chooses the MOTW. However due to circumstances (good deeds and birthdays), other members were put in the spotlight and Ramon was put on the backburner until this week. He was sent the questionnaire weeks ago; that is why they are holiday oriented.

Ramon is 5 years old. He is 12 inches long and 7lbs (that gives him a ratio of 0.58 lbs per inch… If the editor were 0.58lbs per inch, she would be 36.54lbs). His favorite reindeer is Vixen. He sleeps in the crate beside Aunt Lynne's bed.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Alex is still available for hire! Will do any odd jobs!

Look for more next time,

Carizzle Parizzle

Happy New Year

Official Editor