You're a liar, and that's the truth

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 41 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Aunt Jul’s Birthday, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day

Weather:  Post-Santum Depression that lingered earlier this week due to Christmas being over will be replaced by the depression that ensues due to realizing your new years resolution is unfeasible. Carry backup Beast for comfort at all times.  

Urbandictionary word of the day: Jingle Bowels

Gastrointestinal woes following a night of holiday overindulgence

Sugar cookies and too much eggnog left Nate singing in the bathroom while his jingle bowels created the symphony accompaniment.

Song of the Week: DJ Earworm, United State of Pop 2009

Notable Accomplishments:  Yet again, Carinne found the pickle on the Christmas tree. Alex cleaned the house, and the boys did a load of laundry. Snow in multiple areas threaten new year’s eve parties. Gina is dominating in UM’s college bowl pool. Liz finished all of her finals. Chloe did well in all of her classes, as did Alex this semester. Carinne went to the winning steelers-ravens game.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: Fill in the underlines:

(Person) your (thing), WOOF!

(WOOF = something that is mildly horrifying/entertaining)

Example: Nate your girlfriend, WOOF!

Barson your pong skills, WOOF!

FWN Member of the Week: Aunt Jul!

For breakfast, Aunt Jul had some iced tea and chips.  If Josh had been born a girl, he would have been named Kirsen Leigh. With the assumption she’s in shape for the sport, she would choose to be an Olympic competitor in the luge event. Given the choice between having to lose a finger or a toe, she picked finger.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Auld Lang Syne

Look for more next time,

Smarti

Sheriff Gello Popo

Official Editor

santa claustrophobia

Family Weekly Newsletter

Special Early Edition due to the Holiday

Issue 40 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Christmas Eve, Christmas

Weather:  Twas the night after drafternoon, and all through the pub, all the kegs were empty, including the bud. Ron on the trivia and Carinne on the floor, a good time was had in this bar they adore. Have safe holidays, all.

  

Urbandictionary word of the day: Christmasochist

Someone who continues to subject themselves to Christmas activities (secret santa, caroling), despite feeling painfully awkward at these events.

Greggy is a Christmasochist as every time he hangs out with Alex in the months of December and July, he’s subjected to mass amounts of holiday music that pain his ears.

Song of the Week: Sleigh Ride, KT Tunstall

Notable Accomplishments:  Cam built a ramp in the yard for his snowboard. Lana remember what snow was after trying to snort it for awhile. Alex and Greggy made it to New York City, defying the fury of the weather gods. Greggy finished his Christmas shopping three days before Christmas. AL/T got a new car. UM had to break into his house by kicking down the doorknob when locked out. Lexy had a successful choral concert this week.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:  You’re out of cookies and milk. What food item + drink do you put out instead?

Editor: Pretzels and beer

FWN Member of the Week: Trailblazer!

The trailblazer is seven years old.  Its favorite passenger is Bevie, because she shows it the most driving love (and least favorite is Lana). Cancun is the Trailblazer’s dream vacation but this year it has to stay home due to other obligations. Comet is the favorite reindeer for obvious reasons.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Coal? Or tricks?

Look for more next time,

The Paris Hilton of Trenton

() () () coal in my stocking

Official Editor

Ho, ho, ho, ho, oh no, Santa's lost his mojo

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 39 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Alcoholiday due to shopping stress from actual important holidays

Weather:  Heated debates and smack talk will begin, as older generation family members discuss college bowls and younger generations discuss pickle-finding on the Christmas tree and pong of beer. Steer clear of the crossfire or you may end up de-friended on facebook.

Special Holiday Section: 53.33% of FWN recipients are reportedly on the Nice list (you sure about that?). 40% are on the naughty (some deserve a spanking??). 6.66% of recipients are in limbo.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Chipmunk gift (brought to you by Gina)

A seemingly generous present that will benefit the giver as much as the receiver.

On an old Chipmunks Christmas album, Alvin, Simon, and Theodore give Dave a gift. He's overwhelmed with their generosity until he discovers it's an empty bag, which the Chipmunks say is for him to fill with presents and give back to them.

Barson: This year, dad got me a pooper scooper for Christmas. Really?

R Jr: But LOOK! It’s the deluxe! It’s purple! And your name is engraved on it!

Barson (sulks): Chipmunk gifter.

Song of the Week: My Chemical Romance, All I Want For Christmas Is You

Notable Accomplishments:  No one had major injuries due to erratic ornaments or lights falling this year. Also, high hopes for a turkey-on-the-floor free 2010.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:  Would you rather be:

a)      A seasick crocodile

b)      The Grinch

c)      Scrooge

d)      Charlie Brown’s X-mas Tree?

FWN Member of the Week: The office of FWN is closed this week. Joyous 2009, everyone! We’ve gone through the entire list of recipients as FWNMOTW, so we’ll start up the shuffle again next year.  

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Naughty or Nice?

Look for more next time,

Candy Cane

() () () coal in my stocking

Official Editor

I don't want to be friends

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 39 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Heather’s Birthday, First day of Chanukah

Weather:  Heat Miser bet Snow Miser on last night’s football game. Winner takes all for the next three months. Guess who picked the browns? Blame this cold spell all on the football game. He’s too much.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Canadian Refrigerator

A bank or pile of snow during the colder months of winter, where food or beverage products (namely soda and beer) can be stored. Great for parties.

BK: (In July) Ronald! Why is there a miller light stuck in the garden? This is alcohol abuse. No alcohol goes to waste in this house. 

RE: No, that was from our Martin Luther King Jr. Day Bash. We used the garden as a Canadian refrigerator. We’re finally dethawing.

BK: Oh right! (cracks it open). Ahhh.

Song of the Week: Melee, (When is) Hanukah this year?

Notable Accomplishments:  UM survived NYC and even found a stogie bar. BK employees escaped at 12 today for a holiday party. Alex’s cell phone stayed charged through a massive power outage. She also drank all of her beer in her fridge, reportedly so it wouldn’t go skunked. (Sciencey: Beers get skunked from sunlight, not from heating/cooling.) Cam had his first haircut since basic training. Nate is feeling better after a minor toe injury. The Jeep is fixed after a major injury. Ron Jr maybe didn’t drop the turkey on T-giv, but Carinne made up for it by dropping a rotisserie chicken in the grocery store and making a huge mess (causing the cashier to yell at her and say “oh the chicken just JUMPED out, did it? All by itself? Sure, hate it when that happens”. Nasty cashier.). Reportedly Carinne is on the naughty list due to her inability to cut back on her drinking. This inspired some science thinking, see graph below.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:  Would you rather have a white Christmas or a Christmas on the beach? (Or hannukah, or kwanzaa, or festivus, etc.)

FWN Member of the Week: Heather!

Heather’s middle name is Dawn, and her high school mascot was a Tiger (with a blonde running behind him with a golf club, thanks KP for that one). If she were stuck on a desert island with one plug, her appliance would be a radio. Lastly, her shampoo is “fruity smelling, sort of like citrus”.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Naughty or Nice?

Look for more next time,

Candy Cane

() () () coal in my stocking

Official Editor 

I want a yacht, and really, that's not a lot

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 38 Vol 2

Important Holidays: n/a

Weather:  No, that’s not a delayed meteor shower, nor is it lightning in the distance – it’s the flashes of many hundreds of photos Carinne is taking this weekend as she got a new camera. Stalkerazzi.

Special Holiday Section: Responses to the “favorite reindeer” survey, including some comments. We had sixteen total responses.

Blitzen baby! 31.25% “But you gotta watch his girlfriend Vixen as I think after Blitzen passes out, Donner comes sniffing around...........”

Comet (???) 18.75% “I like him because it reminds me of the cleanser and the dog from fullhouse.”

12.5 %Rudolph “His red nose is clearly a sign that he is a functioning alcoholic like the rest of us.....”

12.5% Vixen 12.5%

Prancer (vomit), 12.5%

6.25% Cupid “He spreads the love” (wonder who said that one)

6.25% Olive

Urbandictionary word of the day: airplane mode

When someone cuts themselves off from the world by not logging on to Facebook or checking their cell phones/email. Usually occurs after a breakup or a rough work week.

HH has a default airplane mode setting as cell phones don’t work there.

Song of the Week: Sleigh Ride, Leroy Anderson

Notable Accomplishments:  Carinne/Alex beat Cam/Nate at beer pong. Anna/Nate were set to battle the wishbone, but R Jr destroyed it (rehh rehh pfpfpfp). Lana enjoyed Thanksgiving, and enjoyed waking Alex up in the middle of the night when she had to go to the bathroom. Carinne did not “boo” any national anthem singers this week. Several family members won the swim team lottery raffle.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:  What Christmas (or other holiday song) would you like to re-make? (Assume you sound fantastic, just how you want to. Feel free to pull in a famous back-up band for behind you) Maybe we’ll all combine forces and create a “very merry FWN christmas” album!

FWN Member of the Week: Pot Roast on Carinne’s Desk!

Carinne’s pot roast was the first meal she cooked in her crock pot. Included with the roast are potatoes, apples, red/green/yellow peppers, carrots, and onions. A bottle of pinot noir (courtesy of R Jr) was drank while devouring the pot roast. The pot roast is currently in its fourth day of leftoverville, but is still delicious.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Naughty or Nice?

Look for more next time,

Candy Cane

() () () coal in my stocking

Official Editor

I haven't showered in four days

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 37 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Cyber Monday

Weather:  With the onset of packed fridges and turkey in tupperware, please take caution to avoid driving after too much tryptophan. Roads may be in unsafe conditions due to drowsiness.

Urbandictionary word of the day: PED XING

A wealthy Chinese philanthropist who paid large sums of money to have his name plastered everywhere, so that people would remember who he was. 

AL/T almost got run over by an eighteen wheeler due to not correctly honoring the ped xing sign. 

Song of the Week: Franz Ferdinand, No You Girls

Notable Accomplishments:  No stomach explosions due to turkey intake. Cam got into College. Carinne and Alex survived Black Friday Shopping. Anna did very well at Apples to Apples. 

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: So you got up at 3am, got in line outside of the store in the pouring rain, and you get in. When you reach the counter with the gift you wanted to buy, that perfect gift you were waiting to get and woke up so early to obtain, you grab the last one. One second after you grab it, one small second, someone else puts their hand on that item too. And doesn't let go.

A glaredown ensues. Do you:

a) Punch them in the face and run

b) Say "I'll make you an offer you can't refuse." (please define this offer.)

c) Let them have it

d) Use your backup mace and yell "serenity now"? (or hoochie mama)

e) Other?

FWN Member of the Week:  The office of FWNMOTW is closed this week. Normal hours will resume on Monday at 8am ET.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Sleighbells ring...

Look for more next time,

C-rin

Let's Gooo Mountaineers

Official Editor 

we had never heard of a dump closed on thanksgiving before

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 36 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Thanksgiving

Weather:  Carinne is driving to Pitt on Tues. Expect rain. Carinne is driving to HH on Wed. Expect boozestorms to start and continue through Thurs. Carinne is driving to Morgantown on Friday. Expect a mountaineer victory.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Skanksgiving

Being socially unacceptable on the days surrounding Thankgiving; typically caused by intoxication (Wed), bloating/gas (Thur), or punching other soccer moms over a talking Elmo doll (Black Friday)

This year, the Thanksgiving weekend was monumental. Barson and Carinne got hammered at HH on Wednesday, causing Cam and Cind-ay to have to come pick them up. Barson vommed in the Jeep. Thursday, Bev ate too much stuffing and her pants button popped off and hit Tom in the face. Lynne got defensive and in her attempt to punch Bev, she missed and hit Nate instead. AJ stepped back and didn’t get involved in that fight, but the next morning while in line for the 3am special of buy-one-get-one sale of Natty Light 30-packs she kneed a 21 year old where it hurts for the last case. All in all, a classy Skanksgiving.

Song of the Week: Fade Into You, Mazzy Star

Notable Accomplishments:  Lexy made honor roll. Marco bowled a 174 last night and Bev got a record breaking 169. Marco/R Jr were victims of the airport glitch and had to find alternate transportation home. Nicole and BK almost got run over by a Penske truck. Lana’s lover, Alex, has returneth, and Scout, her boyfriend, got his electric fence collar taken off so he can now visit Lana at her house. All four Ron Jr children are officially in relationships (this has never happened before, fyi). R Jr/Husband (Mark) have a romantic wine getaway planned to DC on Tuesday. Bev and Nicole spent one day this week stuck in court. Carinne has avoided the warrant for her arrest thus far. Alex got a job.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: What is one material thing you are thankful for? No people, family, love nonsense. That’s given.

FWN Member of the Week: Aunt Lynne!

AL’s homepage is the AOL/Compaq desktop combination. The most recent alcoholic beverage AL drank was a glass of wine. Her favorite food at thanksgiving is stuffing, and if she were on a desert island with one plug and one appliance it would be an electric teakettle so she could make (non-iced) tea.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: HH, Wednesday the 25^th… Come one, come all to the drafternoon…

Look for more next time,

C-rin

Countdown to Gobble Gobble

Official Editor