I really don't like cantaloupe

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 16 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Tracy’s Birthday, Canada Day

Weather:  We’ve finally reached that heat wave status, where, if not air conditioned properly, people will run to the streets yelling “It’s getting hot in herre”, and subsequently take off all of their clothes. Protect yourself from this heat wave by not wearing deodorant; that will keep most of those naked screaming crazies at bay.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Rescue Chip

The chip you use to fish out the pieces of your original chip that broke apart the dip.

Blimpie’s rescue chip is a spoon.

Song of the Week: Eric Clapton, Layla

Notable Accomplishments:  MM’s surgery went well (e-get well cards encouraged) and Poppy is enjoying in-patient rehab. Lexy returned from Georgia, UM returned from Pittsburgh. Nate had his first driving lesson, Carinne is counting down the days until he can legally pick her drunk azz up from the bar. Nate also cooked steaks on the grill. ~55 days until Cam’s return.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: In light of recent “bizarre competitions”, such as extreme ironing and texting through obstacle courses, you are creating your own bizarre competition. You may choose to invent something you would actually be a contender in. What is it? This may be inspiration for next year’s Sibling Olympics.

FWN Member of the Week: Tracy!

Tracy’s homepage is currently msn.com. Her favorite letter of the alphabet is B, and her favorite dessert is cheesecake. The most recent beverage she drank was a diet pepsi.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nate has a 2 mile open water swim upcoming this weekend.

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Emitremmus

Official Editor

Tag Teaming the Lawn Mower Race

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 15 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Father’s Day, First Day of Summer, Gina’s Birthday

Weather:  When those annoying drunk girls enter the bar like a hurricane, your best possible precautionary action is to send them all a round of shots – filled with water. They’ll get the message. Make sure you have a posse in case a fight ensues.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Rock Star Parking

Getting a parking spot extremely close to the desired destination. Antonyms: employee parking, loser lot

Dale has permanent Rock Star Parking on LV

Song of the Week: Black Eyed Peas, I Gotta Feeling

Notable Accomplishments: The sun is still shining. Celebrate profusely.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: Would You Rather:

a)      Be a special guest on Docta Phil (oh and it’s a three-hour-special episode, too)

b)      Be on celebrity death match against Oprah

c)      Be in court appealing a ticket, but the judge is Jerry Springer

d)      Be in a 5k three-legged-race competition with Stephen Colbert?

Playing golf with Bob Barker was going to be an option but, meh, that’s been done.

FWN Member of the Week: Gina!

Because life’s uncertain we’ll do dessert first: Gina’s favorite is chocolate cake with cream cheese icing. Her favorite class in high school was English Lit, and a memorable birthday was when she turned 18, was over-served, and her best friend Wendy and herself reportedly had to “run from the ‘killer sheep’ that were apparently inhabiting her back yard.” Lastly, her home page is set to http://primetime.tv.yahoo.com/ , the site where her little brother talks about prime time TV and gets as many as 3.7 million viewers a day.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Salsa, que pasa?

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Epic Failure: Hossa

Official Editor 

My weapon of choice is a spatula

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 14 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Stanley Cup Game Seven, Flag Day

Weather:  New weather technology for this week's FWN edition: sciencey predictions from the editor's fortune cookie at last night's china buffet identify CP's lucky number to be 12. What's today's date? (six-TWELVE) Who is playing tonight? (da PENS) This offers a great forecast for western PA-ers. Hope all of you below the mason-dixon get the game! 

Urbandictionary word of the day: All the (noun)s in (same noun)ville go boo hoo boo hoo

Phrase, commonly used by REPin voicemails left to CP, used to demonstrate immense sorrow.

Actual examples:

Ron, after cigars got banned from HH: All the Rons in Ronville go boo hoo boo hoo.

Ron, after the Flyers were kicked out of the Stanley cup playoffs: All the Flyers in Flyerville go boo hoo boo hoo.

Song of the Week: Mims, Move (If you wanna)

Notable Accomplishments: Nate’s last day of school, Hanovers return from OBX, Ron was in enemy camp (Detroit) earlier this week and had to go through severe aviary flu testing before being permitted to return to LV, Nicole went to her 153^6^th NKOTB concert last night, Carinne found a great new dive bar in central PA. Private Cam only has 65 days left of basic training!

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: Offer a really bad pick up line that would never work but you'd like it to.

Ex: Oh you're from Pittsburgh? My cousin dated kordell stewart

Ex: There's a test tube in my drink

FWN Member of the Week: Pap!

Pap turned 85 last week. He enjoys growing and distributing asparagus. He also likes working at the golf course, and driving his brown truck.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Carinne is now taking all 1999 honda accord engine donations

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Lord Stanley, Lord Stanley

Bring me the…

Not finishing due to superstition

Official Editor 

Beyond the Call of Booty

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 13 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Stanley Cup Playoffs, Pap’s 85^th Birthday, Cam leaves for boot camp

Weather:  It’s getting awfully aviary out there folks; the radar shows swarms of Red Wings in the region. Coming in early tomorrow evening, this red cloud will be twisted into a frenzy of black and gold as the Penguins devour the red wings. Just steer clear of wearing any red and white and you should be protected from this system!

Urbandictionary word of the day: (suggested by MA) Drunxting

The act of aimlessly texting everyone you know from the bar after you have reached another level of consciousness.

Nate’s version of chain texting is sending “fwd fwd fwd fwd fwd fwd” but since he can’t spell straight when drunk, his drunxting is “wfd wfd wfd wfd wfd”.

Song of the Week: The Flaming Lips, Borderline (yes, the Madonna cover)

Notable Accomplishments: Lexy’s last day of school was last week. Yesterday was 5 years to the day since CP’s high school graduation. She’s old.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: So you’re on a daytime TV soap opera. And you’re getting fired from the show, but the producers are kind enough to let you write your own demise. They’re killing off your character – how do you make your exit?

FWN Member of the Week: Cameron

Cam’s favorite letter of the alphabet is C (“Well I got to thinking and it couldn’t be Q. Because Q is just weird. Then, if you consider A, well A is just all stuck up because it’s first. And Z, Z is all the way at the end. O is like a zero, and I is just selfish. So that leaves me with C.”). The most recent thing he drank was water, and he doesn’t know his one-mile time, but he can run two miles in 13 minutes 29 seconds (pshaw, let’s get a move on slowpoke). If he could replace anyone in a movie, he would act as Iron Man.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nada

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Get in the fast lane grandma

The bingo game’s about to roll

Official Editor 

Ellifino

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 12 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Stanley Cup Playoffs

Weather: The alcohol consumption index has been increasing lately as the red-wing-winds of change are coming. Pittsburgh may as well start having beer run through the rivers, with as much celebratory Penguins alcohol intake that is taking place lately. At the very least least they could make the point fountain flowing with iron city (IC Light baby!). Go Pens!

Urbandictionary word of the day: <3

A sideways heart. Frequently you cannot insert a heart picture when you’re typing, so it is the way to type “love”. Its antonym is </3, or a broken heart, dislike. The more 3333s at the end of it, the more something is loved. It is frequently used as a sign-off in emails. It is sometimes read as “less-than-three”.

Mum mum <3 scabble. Nate <33333 Chuck Norris. Alex (to cheez-its in her bed): I less-than-three you. Ron </3 wearing thong speedos.

Song of the Week: Girlyman, St. Peter’s Bones

Notable Accomplishments:  FWN welcomes the lovely Elizabeth (cp college room mate) to the newsletter! Congrats on being accepted into the insanity. Carinne won bronze in her gym’s pentathlon. Bev was on KDKA news, interviewed regarding the homeless guy’s attack on joggers. Cam’s prom picture was in the newspaper. Nicole is building a house.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: You’re a pro hockey player and they’re announcing your name as you skate out onto the home ice rink during the Stanley Cup Playoffs. What’s the theme song they’re playing as they scream your name?

FWN Member of the Week: Evgeni Malkin!

Malkin’s Russian name is Евгений Влади́мирович Малкин. His dad’s name is Vladimir, yes, like the vodka. He was honored by the FWN when issue 4 vol 2 was titled, “E Pluribis Malkin”. To play a Malkin drinking game (not to be confused with the Staal drinking game): you’ll need a 30 pack of something nattalicious. Hold and chug your drink every time Malkin has control of the puck until he gets rid of the puck. Seriously you’ll be a goner.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nada

Look for more next time,

Carinne 

Scratch my back with a hacksaw

Official Editor

The art of being a serial environmental offender

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 11 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Memorial Day

Weather: It’s fair to assume there will be rain this weekend. It’s subsequently fair to assume you’ll be too drunk to notice. And that is not a bad thing.

Urbandictionary word of the day: missing link

A man who is covered head to toe with thick and wiry hair. He's so hairy, he's the missing link that connects humans to apes.

Carinne is wary of all the missing links she might see at the Jersey Shore this weekend. They’ll probably all be in speedos, too. Shudder at the thought of the protruding hair.

Song of the Week: Lazy Eye, Silversun Pickups

Notable Accomplishments:  FWN has two new recipients, AJ’s son Josh and his fiancé, Lexi. Welcome aboard! Cam is going to prom tonight. Carinne and Chloe saw Star Trek; fabulous. They also experienced Gay Appreciation day in New Hope, PA.  

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: Inspired by the Washington Post competition. You have to come up with a two line poem, the first line being very romantic, and the second line being not romantic in the least.

Editor Examples:

“Love and happiness, I have seeked to find. Too bad you smell like a moose’s behind.”

“Roses are lovely, chocolate is too. I hope you get eaten by a giant caribou.”

FWN Member of the Week: Skylar!

Skylar is 9 years old in people years. Her favorite toy is a mallard duck, which actually quacks. She is unhappy that UM changed the lock in the door, so she can no longer get out and “run freely through the neighborhood at will”. There is a controversy as to who actually broke UM’s screen door: was it Ronno or Skylar? (see issue 24 vol 1 for documentation of when Ronno walked into the door)

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Zilch

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Sneeze sneeze aller-geeze

Official Editor

cockeyed oscar and his mad dog

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 10 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Armed Forces Day

Weather: If you are currently exhaling, please realize you are omitting carbon dioxide, which is accumulating in the atmosphere and contributing to global warming. You may be cited by the EPA for this pollution. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Urbandictionary word of the day: approval from corporate

A term used to designate a significant other’s approval on things such as spending money, attending events, publicity, etc.

  

Items requiring approval from corporate: cigarfest attendance, greggy’s facebook photo, weekly time allotted to spend at the grocery store

Items not requiring approval from corporate: BK/TD trips to Ross Park Mall, wine purchases, spending drafternoons at HH

Song of the Week: St Vincent, Actor out of Work

Notable Accomplishments:  Lexy made the senior cheerleading squad (up until this point, she was on the junior team). Alex yet again got straight A’s, brilliant much? Nate’s band concert was an uncontrollable success. Scout (neighbor dog, Lana’s boyfriend) came inside the LV household to visit Lana. Carinne is under the impression she pulled an a$$ muscle. This weekend Nate has an outdoor swim meet and the varsity swim team is having a car wash; contact BK for details on how to attend either event.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: Would you rather:

a)      have hair that grew as fast as grass (this applies to everywhere, not just your head… be wary of the ‘brows),

b)      have a detachable arm, or

c)      only be able to speak in movie/TV quotes and music lyrics?

FWN Member of the Week: Uncle Brian!

It is uncertain whether UB actually reads the newsletter; and no response was given to the questionnaire. Silence is golden in this week’s FWNMOTW section!

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Reward! Has anyone seen Carinne’s sunglasses? They are brown framed, big lenses. They’ve been lost since approximately AL’s 50^th. 

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Sneeze sneeze aller-geeze

Official Editor