Ellifino

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 12 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Stanley Cup Playoffs

Weather: The alcohol consumption index has been increasing lately as the red-wing-winds of change are coming. Pittsburgh may as well start having beer run through the rivers, with as much celebratory Penguins alcohol intake that is taking place lately. At the very least least they could make the point fountain flowing with iron city (IC Light baby!). Go Pens!

Urbandictionary word of the day: <3

A sideways heart. Frequently you cannot insert a heart picture when you’re typing, so it is the way to type “love”. Its antonym is </3, or a broken heart, dislike. The more 3333s at the end of it, the more something is loved. It is frequently used as a sign-off in emails. It is sometimes read as “less-than-three”.

Mum mum <3 scabble. Nate <33333 Chuck Norris. Alex (to cheez-its in her bed): I less-than-three you. Ron </3 wearing thong speedos.

Song of the Week: Girlyman, St. Peter’s Bones

Notable Accomplishments:  FWN welcomes the lovely Elizabeth (cp college room mate) to the newsletter! Congrats on being accepted into the insanity. Carinne won bronze in her gym’s pentathlon. Bev was on KDKA news, interviewed regarding the homeless guy’s attack on joggers. Cam’s prom picture was in the newspaper. Nicole is building a house.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: You’re a pro hockey player and they’re announcing your name as you skate out onto the home ice rink during the Stanley Cup Playoffs. What’s the theme song they’re playing as they scream your name?

FWN Member of the Week: Evgeni Malkin!

Malkin’s Russian name is Евгений Влади́мирович Малкин. His dad’s name is Vladimir, yes, like the vodka. He was honored by the FWN when issue 4 vol 2 was titled, “E Pluribis Malkin”. To play a Malkin drinking game (not to be confused with the Staal drinking game): you’ll need a 30 pack of something nattalicious. Hold and chug your drink every time Malkin has control of the puck until he gets rid of the puck. Seriously you’ll be a goner.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nada

Look for more next time,

Carinne 

Scratch my back with a hacksaw

Official Editor

The art of being a serial environmental offender

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 11 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Memorial Day

Weather: It’s fair to assume there will be rain this weekend. It’s subsequently fair to assume you’ll be too drunk to notice. And that is not a bad thing.

Urbandictionary word of the day: missing link

A man who is covered head to toe with thick and wiry hair. He's so hairy, he's the missing link that connects humans to apes.

Carinne is wary of all the missing links she might see at the Jersey Shore this weekend. They’ll probably all be in speedos, too. Shudder at the thought of the protruding hair.

Song of the Week: Lazy Eye, Silversun Pickups

Notable Accomplishments:  FWN has two new recipients, AJ’s son Josh and his fiancé, Lexi. Welcome aboard! Cam is going to prom tonight. Carinne and Chloe saw Star Trek; fabulous. They also experienced Gay Appreciation day in New Hope, PA.  

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: Inspired by the Washington Post competition. You have to come up with a two line poem, the first line being very romantic, and the second line being not romantic in the least.

Editor Examples:

“Love and happiness, I have seeked to find. Too bad you smell like a moose’s behind.”

“Roses are lovely, chocolate is too. I hope you get eaten by a giant caribou.”

FWN Member of the Week: Skylar!

Skylar is 9 years old in people years. Her favorite toy is a mallard duck, which actually quacks. She is unhappy that UM changed the lock in the door, so she can no longer get out and “run freely through the neighborhood at will”. There is a controversy as to who actually broke UM’s screen door: was it Ronno or Skylar? (see issue 24 vol 1 for documentation of when Ronno walked into the door)

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Zilch

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Sneeze sneeze aller-geeze

Official Editor

cockeyed oscar and his mad dog

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 10 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Armed Forces Day

Weather: If you are currently exhaling, please realize you are omitting carbon dioxide, which is accumulating in the atmosphere and contributing to global warming. You may be cited by the EPA for this pollution. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Urbandictionary word of the day: approval from corporate

A term used to designate a significant other’s approval on things such as spending money, attending events, publicity, etc.

  

Items requiring approval from corporate: cigarfest attendance, greggy’s facebook photo, weekly time allotted to spend at the grocery store

Items not requiring approval from corporate: BK/TD trips to Ross Park Mall, wine purchases, spending drafternoons at HH

Song of the Week: St Vincent, Actor out of Work

Notable Accomplishments:  Lexy made the senior cheerleading squad (up until this point, she was on the junior team). Alex yet again got straight A’s, brilliant much? Nate’s band concert was an uncontrollable success. Scout (neighbor dog, Lana’s boyfriend) came inside the LV household to visit Lana. Carinne is under the impression she pulled an a$$ muscle. This weekend Nate has an outdoor swim meet and the varsity swim team is having a car wash; contact BK for details on how to attend either event.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: Would you rather:

a)      have hair that grew as fast as grass (this applies to everywhere, not just your head… be wary of the ‘brows),

b)      have a detachable arm, or

c)      only be able to speak in movie/TV quotes and music lyrics?

FWN Member of the Week: Uncle Brian!

It is uncertain whether UB actually reads the newsletter; and no response was given to the questionnaire. Silence is golden in this week’s FWNMOTW section!

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Reward! Has anyone seen Carinne’s sunglasses? They are brown framed, big lenses. They’ve been lost since approximately AL’s 50^th. 

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Sneeze sneeze aller-geeze

Official Editor

Alcoholics Unanimous

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 9 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Mother’s Day

Weather: Well the barometer will be rising as everyone hits up happy hour this drafternoon. That won’t lower until late evening Sunday night. Be prepared for the sudden change in sobriety state that will enter the region Monday morning!

Urbandictionary word of the day: sofa king

a. A 'friendly' way to say "so f^ck!ng".

b. Simultaneously wearing a Burger King crown and sitting on a couch.

Cam (sits down on the couch with a Burger King Crown)

Nate (sits down on the couch with a Burger King Crown)

(No words are spoken, evil death stare between the two)

Ron Jr (on the chair, no crown): There can only be one sofa king. Fight to the destruction!

Carinne/Alex (standing in the dining room, eating forbidden cookies, observing): You guys are sofa king weird.

Song of the Week: White Lies, Death

Notable Accomplishments: Alex has a summer job! Lexy’s cheer squad did very well this weekend at VA beach. Aunt Jul is off today and is enjoying a drafternoon; however there are minor difficulties: reportedly, she was walking past her stove and swinging her arms like an ape (obviously, as she typically is) when she whapped the oven handle. She now finds it extremely difficult to remove the Nattie from her can hugger (an ailment she refers to as “Can Koozie Finger”). Please send her advice on how to correct this disorder.  Last weekend’s cigar fest was a huge success for the Herf club executive officers. Last weekend was also a success in the mission of “find a 70s dance club and drink there”. Nate has a band concert Wednesday (tailgate party beforehand??). Poppy is continually making progress at therapy and impresses the nurses. Happy Mothers Day to all the baby mamas out there!

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: You’re creating a space on a monopoly board. What do you make? Only exception: you cannot replace the “get out of jail free” space. Any other space (chance, electric, normal, etc) can be edited.

FWN Member of the Week: Christine!!!

Christine's breakfast this morning consisted of a glass of ice water. "N" is her favorite letter of the alphabet, and her middle name is Marie. If she were required to give up one normal article of clothing forever, she would go sock-less.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Reward! Has anyone seen Carinne’s sunglasses? They are brown framed, big lenses. They’ve been lost since approximately AL’s 50^th. 

Look for more next time,

Carinne

May Day Hay Bay Bay

Official Editor

An Evening with El Diablo

Familia Semanal Boletín

N° 7 Mayo 2009

Días festivos: May Day, Cinco de Mayo

Tiempo: ¿Qué tiempo hace? Hace calor, hace frio, hace sol, hace viento, está lloviendo, está graniza, está nevando. El sol se establecerán, la luna se elevará. So just pass the coronas already, okay? And I could use some guacamole for these tacos!

Estudio Especial de Vacaciones: Thanks for your participation in the survey! Our results show:

- 93% of FWN recipients prefer a fiesta (party animals!). 7% wanted a siesta.

- The margarita issue: split 50/50, perfectly even, with both salt/no salt and frozen/shaken. But let’s be honest, do you turn down any kind of margarita?  Negativa!

- 0% of you like burritos best. 7% prefer tacos. 36% like the quesadillas, and the winner is fajitas with 57%! Looks like you have all your stats for drinks and food for a Mexican fiesta! Be sure to include toppings: steak, chicken, beef, peppers, lots of peppers, globs of sour cream, guacamole, mushrooms, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, cheese, avocado, and a taco bell on the side.

Urbandictionary la Palabra del Día: Cigarbage (credit to BK for this one)

Any wrapper, ashes, stubs, mess left from cigar smoking.

One man’s cigarbage is another man’s Cuban.

Canción de la Semana: Harry Belafonte, Banana Boat Song (oh trust me, you all know this one. Preview it on iTunes. You’ll remember… It’s also not exactly Spanish. But hey, Jamaica is close enough! Ya mon!)

Grandes éxitos: Cam is going to Kennywood for the annual School Picnic in the Rain tomorrow. Nate has returned to swimming at Sarah Heinz. Alex is finishing year 2 of higher education. Ronno Jr is going to CigarFest with UM and 2 husbands, Mark and Barry. This is reportedly known as “Old Fogies, or is that Old Stogies, Gone Wild.” Nicole’s golf outing raised over $5000 for the stroke association. At this event, R Jr won a basket of herbs, Cam got a golf towel, Nate got a t-shirt. AJ survived the March of Dimes walk, raising $45000. UM kicked CP butt in trivia on Wednesday; also he was #49 out of everyone playing in the nation for the “Sci-Files” game.

Situación Hipotética de la Semana: You are Dr _____ (Spanish-itize your name) and you have just recently finished your pHd. Anyway onward to the question: Would You Rather

a)      be a professional piñata holder (so you hold as they swing)

b)      be the person who fell asleep, in 90 degree sunshine, wearing nothing but a sombrero (and no suntan lotion)

c)      be on the product testing team for a hot pepper farm

d)      have a Mexican mariachi band live upstairs and walls so thin that you can hear their rehearsals incessantly?

FWN Miembro de la Semana: Ramon!

Ramon is furry. He likes to lick things, eat things, and drink things. He doesn’t really bark, it’s more of a “yip”, and he does that a lot. Ramon is very small, and could easily fit inside of a sombrero.

Gracias! (aplaudir aplaudir aplaudir aplaudir aplaudir)

Clasificados: Nada

Learn Spanish via FWN members: Fiesta! Uno cervesa por favor! Uno cervesa fria. Bada mi, por favor! Arriba! Adios Amigos! Ai Karumba! Aye Carrumba! Feliz Navidad Amigo (the editor’s personal favorite response)! Mi casa es su casa (another good one, from she who was reportedly voted Spanish queen?)! No mas! Buenos Dias! I LOVE MEXICANA FOODA (note: not actual Spanish)! “Meesta Meesta, Get. Me. Outta here!” bonus points for the editor if she knows what this is from (also not actual Spanish).

Puedes buscar más la próxima vez,

Seniorita Cariñño 

Ay caramba!

Editor Oficial

Whispering Eye

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 6 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Arbor Day

Weather: Mother Nature is on Vaca due to Arbor Day. It’s mystery weather all week, bummer.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Herf

A lively gathering of cigar-smoking comrades who meet in a restaurant, club, cigar store or home to share their appreciation of fine cigars.

Ron’s Herf Club, fun facts

Est: 2009

Underground name: “Too Much Smoky Smoky Drinky Drinky Little Doggies” club

Handshake/Phrase: Instead of the split fingers and “Live Long and Prosper” phrase, the hand symbol mimics how a hand looks when you have a cigar in it, and you say, “Smoke Long and Exhale”.

Current Member Count (approximation): Humans Living in Lana’s Cage < Herf Club Membership < BFRO Membership

Fun Fact: Herf is not in Microsoft Office Spell Check

Song of the Week: Heart, Crazy On You

Notable Accomplishments: Greggy is now a member of the FWN! Welcome aboard. Uncle Michael survived an earthquake in Cali (he was on the 10^th floor and it was a 3.8 on the richter scale). He also scored tickets to the Ducks/Sharks playoff game last night. Alex’s sorority won best sorority on campus (2^nd year in a row!) and also has the highest GPA. Poppy has had recent success at PT, largely due to the efforts put in at home. Keep up the good work! Ron Jr had a successful Herf party that included over 20 people. On Saturday, Nicole is having her first golf outing (also participating: Cam, Nate, Ron Jr) to benefit the National Stroke Association. Be sure to wear sunscreen!

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: (This HSOTW is a bit different; it is best fitted under an advice column. However, due to the length of this issue, it will be this week’s HSOTW. It is based on a real life situation of a FWN recipient. In order to keep the peace, the name of the FWN member who this affects is kept anonymous.)

You’re growing a playoff beard. However, next week, you’re interviewing for a job that is two levels higher than yours. How do you maintain loyalty to your team?

To put it in terms for the females who may not be as into sports: Ladies, you’re growing playoff leghair (Stop cringing, work with me here). Basically you get a $1000 shopping spree if you don’t shave your legs. You’re interviewing for a job that is two levels higher than yours (this job just-so-happens to be as head lifeguard. Your interview attire is a bikini, so no pants cover-up). What do you do?

FWN Member of the Week: Nateraide!

When Nate eats eggs for breakfast, he has them sunny side up with toast. His favorite class in school is band "by a long shot" and his dream vacation would be London, England (as opposed to London, WV or London, KY) or the Bahamas. If he was a professional baseball player, he would "obviously" play for the Pirates.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: herf herf herf

(sorry, here at the FWN, we’ve had problems with spam lately) herf herf

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Spring

Official Editor

I Eloped With Elvis

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 5 Vol 2

Important Holidays: Darlene’s Birthday, Earth Day, Administrative Professional’s Week

Weather: Dust off those ole kneecaps all, the forecast for this week is sunshine and a lot of it. So pick your poison: being in a world of hurt from too much exercise or being in a world of hurt from too much wine on the deck. If you’re C, take extra precautions because you’re about to get slammed with both.

Urbandictionary word of the day: lol theory

The theory that the internet phrase lol, meaning "laugh out loud", can be placed at any part in any sentence and make said sentence lose all credibilty and seriousness.

Doc: We need to operate on your liver lol, you have cancer.

Bev: Alex, I need you to cut carrots for the salad.

Alex: Can’t. I cut my finger off while cutting carrots, lol.

The Rooneys: Lol, we think the Pirates are the best team in the league.

Song of the Week: Depeche Mode, Personal Jesus

Notable Accomplishments: Alex made an interception at her powderpuff football game! Cam and Nate won sibling Olympics, but all of the Olympic games were not able to be completed due to weather complications. Carinne successfully home made an apple pie. MM has won recent scrabble games against Carinne.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: This one was inspired by a “would you rather” asked by Chloe’s mom: (MILF) (JK Chloe) (Not JK to everyone else) (JK)

Wood yew ratha: Have hair made out of spaghetti, play doh, or dental floss?

FWN Member of the Week: Darlene!

Darlene’s high school mascot was a Titan. Her favorite letter of the alphabet is M. She showered this morning, and she takes her coffee with milk.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Aunt Jul is doing the march of dimes. This, if you don't know, is a charity to fund research to prevent infant mortality by premature birth, low birthweight, and other birth defects. Aunt Jul is doing several marches and hikes to raise money for this cause; which is impressive due to her typical sedentary state. This walk takes place on April 26; the day before her husband's 45th birthday (and she hopes the walk doesn't make her husband a widower).  There is no minimum donation. She is also selling chocolate bars and blue jeans in an effort to raise funds. I will request her to keep us updated on events that can be attended to support this (I believe there was a bake sale, hopefully there will be others that can be attended).

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Spring

Official Editor