I've got to celebrate you baby

So this is an epic issue. Suggest taking it to the John with you! Thanks to all the guest editors for your fantastic contributions! The variety is very entertaining.

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 1 Vol 2

I would like to personally thank all of our avid readers for their loyalty to the newsletter. Your comments, suggestions, and responses are always enjoyed and highly anticipated as each Friday afternoon rolls around.

We’ve had a year of great things: from drunken weather predictions, to indubitable new vocabulary additions, to endless debates of Cap’n Crunch vs Cap’n Morgan, it has been very fun.

As a celebratory issue, you will see each section of the newsletter is written by another member of the F. This brings variety to the issue (and also gives the editor a day off… sort of). So crack open a cold one, start up your drafternoon, and enjoy. From all of us here at the FWN, we look forward to the next year of chaos!

Ps. Happy Friday the 13^th. 

Important Holidays (brought to you by BK):  Friday the 13^th for the 2^nd month in a row!

March 13 - Jewel Day – always a fav. However men & women tend to have different jewels in mind.

March 14 – National Potato Chip Day – National mind you. Have some ready for any parade you may be attending this year.

March 15 – a 2-fer! Buzzard Day (ugh) and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day, which is the norm in my household

March 16 – Everything You Do Is Right Day. Yay! Atonement!

March 17 – Submarine Day which is generally overshadowed by the Awesome St Patrick’s Day

March 18 – Supreme Sacrifice Day. Seriously? Oh my.

March 19 – Poultry Day so “Eat Mor Chiken” as the cows say

Basically nothing worth celebrating except St Patty’s, so let’s do that all week long.

Weather (brought to you by DL): A blanket of green will cover the country beginning on Saturday through Tuesday as Irish and Irish Wanna-bees take to the streets and bars in search of their inner leprechaun.  Wednesday sees a thick fog rolling in around 2AM lingering through the rest of the week, resulting in mass absenteeism.

Special Holiday Section: You had to see this coming – your Leprechaun name generator!

http://www.quizopolis.com/leprechaun_name.php I be “Five Finger Discount O’Leary”. Yesss

Special Sports & Stogies Section (brought to you by RE): The 2009 Iditarod race began this week in Willow, AK.  In a new twist, the mushers were forced to pull the dogs on the first leg of the race.  The mushers commented after a "ruff" day of sled pulling that the exertion was not too bad but the dog chow sucked.  The huskies however seemed to like the arrangement after several were seen eating steaks, drinking scotch and smoking Montecristos howling at some quip.

In anticipation of March Madness beginning next week, several employers have decided to just shut down operations until after Easter.  Several CEOs (smoking Cuban Cohibas) quoted, just before leaving on the company jet for the Bahamas, that they were disappointed at the poor level of productivity and wasted company resources especially during this economy.  Of course, the editor of this section always looks forward to donating cash to the March Madness cause and the ridicule from being beaten in the pool by his wife who picks teams based on mascots and colors.  

The world baseball classic began this week with the first major upset when the Netherlands beat the Domincan Republic. Amazingly, all the players from the Amsterdam area passed the mandatory drug testing.  

In celebration of St. Patrick's Day 2009, Ireland will host the first ever St. Patrick’s Olympics.  Key contests will be highlighted by the cereal eating contest, Guinness chug, St. Pattys snake chase and the rainbow run.  During the Olympic qualifiers, the Irish cereal contest winner was distraught saying "I can't believe I ate me lucky charms".  In winning the American Guinness chug event the athlete produced a great belch and said "mmmmm Beeeeer".  The St. Patty’s snake chase front runner is from Italy.  The Vatican Padre claims that the power of Christ compels him.  And in the American qualifier for the rainbow run, Dorothy reached the pot of gold first followed by the Will and Grace cast and in third place a teary eyed Clay Aiken said, I am just happy I could come out.

All contest winners will receive a medal and Patty O'Furniture.

This weeks Cigar of the week is the Rocky Patel ITC 10th anniversary Toro.  This is a smooth but sneaky strong smoke that hints of coffee, almond and earthy flavors.  Enjoy this cigar after eating pasta, pork or veal and a glass of pinot noir.  I grew to love this cigar since it won me an HDTV.  

Urbandictionary word of the day (brought to you by AK): inbox rot:

To neither accept, nor decline a friend request from someone on Facebook or Myspace. Used in situations when you don't want to accept someone's friend request, but you also don't want to be rude by declining them.

Familie: Dude, Mum and Dad BOTH just made a Facebook and friended me. Now the whole clan is on there!  What do I do?

Barson:  What do you mean?  I have been inbox rotting them for two weeks straight!

BONUS Alex Dictionary Word of the Week (brought to you by AK): BONUS SECTION!!

gastro-intestinal virus: (v) to lie on a couch days on end being a very bad active human being and generally making everyone around you wish they were anywhere else.  Also, you usually smell pretty awful due to your recent loss of body functioning.

Cam:  Nate!  Play Playstation with me?

Nate: Man, you have been gastro-intestinal virusing me all week.  I'd rather go cut grass.

Song of the Week (brought to you by MJ): Dire Straits, Skateaway

Notable Accomplishments (brought to you by DM):  Tuesday night was the night of the Full Worm Moon, it is when the earthworms begin to thrive and the robins return and it signals end of winter. Michael and Tracy are going to NY for the Big East Championship at Madison Square Garden this weekend. Tracy went to a Coach-Prada Bingo party and won a $2 Yankee Candle, woohoo.  Her friend won a Coach bag, eat your heart out Carinne.  Carinne has beaten her grandmother in Scrabble 7 to 1!  Cam's hair is growing in, will it come in straight?  Tom is out of the hospital, we wish him well.   Ron Sr is getting a power chair, look out everyone he will be on a roll. WVU advances to the next round in basketball!

Hypothetical Situation of the Week (brought to you by NC): You go to a bar with your friends for a party only to find out that your favorite alcoholic beverage is sold out! You can:

A)     stomp out mad

B)     ignore the fact and buy something else

C)     hold the bar hostage until you get the drink

D)    make up some crazy sob story until they get some for you.

What do you do? If D, what is your story?

NC Answer: He would “rehh rehh pfpfpfpf” the bartender until he received the drink.

FWN Member of the Week: The FWN!

The FWN officially celebrates its birthday this week. Appearing every Friday afternoon like clockwork, it signals your weekend is almost here. It provides educational information and has provided a medium for help when you need advice (Ravens Jersey anyone?). Cheers to another good year!

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Eh this issue is long enough.

Look for more next time,

McCarinne

Green beer

Official Editor

Hotdog Mutiny

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 52 Vol 1

Important Holidays: Daylight Savings

Weather: Bars close at 1am (“technically” two AM) this Saturday. Many people will be disappointed and sober by morning; be prepared for excessive grouchiness throughout all regions.

Urbandictionary word of the day: you wastin my minutes

For use when someone says something stupid and you just don't feel like listening anymore, similar to “b!tch please”

Carinne: (whine whine whine) and THEN I thought I got a flat tire, right after the doctor told me I have to amputate my leg… Crap I just spilled my diet coke zero all over me, there goes the cursed pants…WTF I forgot to wear shoes today…

Bev: You wastin my minutes. It’s Friday, I don’t care.

Song of the Week: Keep Your Hands To Yourself, Georgia Satellites

Notable Accomplishments:  Nicole will be departing for Ireland this week, and spending St Patrick’s day there (do a shot if you’re jealous). Carinne beat Mum Mum in online scrabble. Chloe beat Carinne in online scrabble. March Madness

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: Let’s look wayyyy back at issue #39 from Dec 12 (ho ho ho season!). The hypothetical situation question was:

You need to name a drink using all of your initials in order. What is it? Please feel free to add any specifics (recipes), and bonus points if you make a tagline for commercial sales. Anything alcoholic – beer, wine, liquor, moonshine – legal or not legal: it flies.

Some of our answers: Cocktail Pink Panther (A sneaky drink for the sleuthy souls), Butt Kickin Punch (have some with lunch!), Ron’s Evangelical Pinot (Smooth As Heaven!), Distinctive Lager #7 (Better than the other six!), Triple Danger Punch, Nymphatic Red Bull (It’ll make you horny), Absinthe Martini Hypnotized, MoJo Potion (are you “up” for it?), and Jiz sny Margarita!

So you’ve got your drink – now you’re opening a bar. What do you name it?

FWN Member of the Week: Chloe!

The most recent alcoholic beverage Chloe had was a Yuengling in a bottle. Her shampoo is volumizing but has no descriptive smells or scents (it’s not flowery). Her high school mascot was a Lancer. Her current favorite book is The Fall by Albert Camus.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Carinne needs a new computer pretty seriously. Now taking all suggestions/advice. Pools are beginning, contact UM if you would like the hookup.

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Blizzard Wizard

Official Editor

Royale with Cheese

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 51 Vol 1

Important Holidays: Nada

Weather: They say if March is in like a lion it will be out like a lamb… Thus by all scientific principles the following will work: Drink a crapton this Saturday night, then into Sunday you may have a nasty hangover (in like a lion). Then! At the end of the month, drink a crapton again, and by scientific principle that March will be “out like a lamb”, you will not be hungover. Do it, it works.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Yellular

The loudness one adopts in response to a bad cell-phone connection, in the misguided hope that talking louder will improve the connection.

Ron is the king of Yellulars.

Ron (at Don Parmesean’s): How the H*ll Are Ya?!?!

Ron (at HH): How the H*ll Are Ya?!?!

Ron (at Mark’s): How the H*ll Are Ya?!?!

Ron (in the living room): How the H*ll Are Ya?!?!

Song of the Week: Asher Roth, I Love College

Notable Accomplishments: Cam shaved his head, and WPIALs is currently ongoing.  

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: So we’re playing e-Apples to Apples. The “adjective” is indubitable. What noun/idea/action card do you throw down? No restrictions.

Indubitable definition: unquestionable

How to play Apples to Apples reminder: You have a handful of nouns, actions, etc. An adjective is thrown down, and everyone puts down their noun/action that they feel is most applicable to the adjective. However in this case, there are no cards and thus no restrictions. Feel free to offer a phrase, movie, person, anything.

FWN Member of the Week: Mum Mum!

Mum Mum’s high school did not have a mascot (???). Her shoe size is 9 ½. When she was a kid, her household chore was to weed the garden. Her favorite dessert is peach pie.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Dial R Jr and ask for the How The H*ll Are Ya yellular special. See our ad on Craigslist!  

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Start drinking.

Official Editor

Mo-om, did you wash my leiderhosen?

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 50 Vol 1

Important Holidays: Mardigras, Fat Tuesday, Ash Wednesday

Weather: Cold with no sign of a heat wave in sight. Keep bundled up, folks.

Urbandictionary word of the day (brought to you by R Jr): Liquidity

Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!

Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants! (Editor requested a sentence from R Jr; he sent the same thing. Epic fail.)

Song of the Week (brought to you by CJ): Soul Bossa Nova, Quincy Jones (bonus points if you can name what song this is more commonly known as)

Notable Accomplishments: Thoughts and prayers are with Tom as he is again in the hospital, though reportedly getting much better. There are cool professional photographer pictures of Lexy's cheerleading competition, contact Tracy for the link if you didn't get it. Alex swam, and I quote, "one WHOLE half mile… with breaks. For the BOGO child in swimming, this is impressive." Cam dyed his hair blue.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: Both of these go for two weeks: would you rather: drink a glass of water from the toilet bowl daily (not necessarily your just cleaned toilet bowl…) or not change your underwear (for two whole weeks - it doesn't come off)?

FWN Member of the Week: Alex!

The last time she showered was last night due to her swimming extravaganza. The most recent song she downloaded on her iTunes was "Why Can't I" by Liz Phair.  Her current favorite movie is P.S. I Love You. If she were stuck on a desert island with appliance and one plug, she would bring her microfridge.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: None

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Beads! Throw 'em!!

Official Editor

Great Balls of Fire! (goodness gracious)

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 49 Vol 1

Important Holidays: Friday the 13^th, St. Pink and Sappy Vomit Day, President's Day, UM&T Anniversary, and a special shout out to AL&T, whose anniversary was inadvertently neglected to be announced last week.

Weather: Papercuts will be rampant throughout the nation this weekend as mass amounts of small letters with endearments are opened. This spread of blood will result in a 85% chance of vampires in most areas; be sure to pack your garlic.

Special New Years Weight Loss Section: AND THE RESULTS ARE IN! We are a lighter, healthier group of people!

First of all, let's announce those who were stalemate. Aunt Jul, Carinne & UM lost zilch. (This was a relief to Carinne – after the superbowl, she was sure she'd gained.)

Aunt Lynne! Lost 5.4lbs

Ron Jr! Lost 4lbs.

Bev! Lost 1lb

Hooray! No one gained.

Special request, by multiple people, to extend the competition to Easter. We'll keep it going and have another weigh in then, but we won't have a weekly section on it. Keep up the good work! All are welcome to join the biggest loser for this next month – weigh yourself now and then for the edition before Easter! You will be reminded!!!

Special Holiday Love Section: Find out how much you love someone (or something) with the love-o-meter!http://www.love-meter.net/love-calculator/love-meter.php

Carinne has a 68% love for chocolate and a 78% love of vegetables.

FWN Personals: Michael will always love Tracy more than Facebook.

Happy Make Out With Me Day Barson! Love Wigglebutt.

Happy Anniversary to my beautiful wife.

Dear Take-Home Math Exam, I hope I don't set you on fire this Valentine's Day weekend. Actually, I kind of want to. Love, Chloe

Dear Editor in Chief: You're hot. Let's go out sometime. Love, Carinne

Dear Michael & Tracy, Happy Anniversary, Love Lynne & Tom

Ron and Dee = Lynne and Tom + Ron and Bev+ Michael and Tracy = Carinne, Alex, Cam, Nate and Lexy. What better love can that be and a blessing.

Dear Mom & Dad, Happy Valentines Day, Love Lynne & Tom

To my eldest sister, Bucky! You make me feel so lucky! Your quite the gal, I'm glad you're my pal. May your Valentine's Day be ducky! Love, sister

Dear Ron, You are the love of my life. Yours Always, Bev.

For Bev:  To the queen, long may she reign.  Love Ole Stoge.

Dear Tom, I love you as much as Angel hates me, Love Lynne

Dear Carinne, Alex, Cam, Nate & Lexy, Happy Valentines Day, consider this your card. Love Aunt Lynne & Tom

To familie, cam, and nate: reh reh pfpfpfpfpf!!! Love blimpie

Dear WN Members: Thanks for reading! Love you! <3 editor

Urbandictionary word of the day: ex-hole 

your azzhole ex-husband, ex-girlfriend or just plain ex. a phrase used to refer to that person you used to date that you can't stand.

Nate: I'm so glad you broke up with her, Cam. What an ex-hole.

Cam: (bursts into tears) I don't want to be alone on valentine's day… She was the best ever… 

Song of the Week: Death Cab for Cutie, I Will Possess Your Heart

Notable Accomplishments: Poppy has made quite a bit of progress in his walking therapy. Keep up the positive attitude and great work! Lexy has reached womanhood! Aunt Jul's doggy will be neutered this week (Bob Barker "Remember to spay and neuter your pets!), so on behalf of the Price is Right, we all thank you for helping animal population control. Bev's company was named supplier of the year by her corporate office! Cam and Nate get to experience a full-body-shave for the last ditch swim meet (last chance to qualify for the western PA conference championships). Cam dyed his hair blue. FWN welcomes Gina to the newsletter!

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: You and your significant other are forced to re-create a romantic scene from a movie. Any famous love/romance scene can be redone (the sappier, the better). What scene or movie do you do? (If you don't have a significant other, fear not, one will be provided).

Don't worry about looking/being awkward – say you're wanting to recreate a beach scene but are afraid of yourself in a bikini – who cares? Assume you look great and fit the role perfectly.

FWN Member of the Week: Mark!

Mark has, indeed, called in sick when he wasn't sick at all. His middle name is Aaron. The first concert he ever went to was Journey with Van Halen as an opener (with all of the original members for both bands. He was 15). Lastly, his degree in college was Business Administration with a focus on Study Accounting (debits and credits and numbers OH MY!).

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: "Rule number one: Don't propose to a girl on a bus, you got that? Rule number two: Don't tell her it's because you had a bad dream." – Walk the Line

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Be Mine!

Official Editor

This Newsletter is 3-D Glasses Friendly

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 47 Vol 1

Important Holidays: Nada

Weather: Bikinis? Fugghedaboudit. Bring out your long johns because this cold ain't goin nowhere, no how.

Special New Years Weight Loss Section: One more week til weigh in. Start cuttin' the carbs!

Urbandictionary word of the day: Drafternoon

Any time after 12:00pm when you start pouring cold ones

(at the office)

Bev: three… two… one… Alright it's officially 12. Let's head down for the rest of the Drafternoon.  

Song of the Week: Propane Nightmares, Pendulum

Notable Accomplishments: Alex has is eligible for another scholarship. UM is on Facebook and ISO friends. The Steelers won the superbowl. Aunt Lynne got some awesome pictures from the victory parade. Cam and Nate get this week's creativity award for posing with the red wax spill on the floor. Nate was the only FM to win any money in the Steelers pool (he won $15 at third quarter). Beer pong was played last weekend; C/AK won one, CJ/NC won one. Lexy made guest shots.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: You get to choose a new mascot for a holiday. What do you pick?

Feel free to do any holiday, either completely obscure or popular, from any country or culture. (ex, McCrack, the dropped hard boiled Easter Egg replaces the easter bunny. Or Mike Tyson for Canada's boxing day. Or punxatawney patty, and we'd all get free burgers if the ground beef sees its shadow). I'm having too much fun with this.

FWN Member of the Week: UM!

UM's current desktop background is provided as an attachment to this newsletter edition. His high school mascot (he went to Mars High, mind you) was the Planets (now, they are the Fighting Planets… beware, the gravitational pull may catch you). He can do a handstand for, at its maximum, 1.5 seconds. He absolutely despises crawfish, and even the smell of them makes him want to vomit.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: If anyone ever wants to be guest-editor, you are more than welcome to do so! Please remember to send in any notable accomplishments, suggestions, classifieds, etc at any point throughout the week. Any comments are always welcome!

Look for more next time,

Carinne

Six mo' weeks o' winta

Official Editor