Danged if you Fondue, danged if you Fondon't

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 11 Vol 5

Important Holidays: None

Weather:  After your significant other exposes you to Dalton’s Law which relates to gases and pressures, and your friend exposes you to Murphy’s Law, you decide to create your own Law, which unfortunately does not get passed by the house and senate. Lame.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Cyclops Date

A date with someone you’ve met on the internet; not quite a blind date, because you’ve seen photos/emailed/texted, etc.

After RE Jr’s phone number was mistakenly put on craigslist, he was contacted for a Cyclops date by multiple people.

Song of the Week: Beastie Boys, Paul Revere

Trainer Tip of the Week: (Temporary special section as Carinne is voluntarily getting her butt kicked at the gym with a trainer) Stretch. Stretch a lot. Before you go to sleep, when you wake up. Stretch. Go stretch right now. Streeeetch.    

Notable Accomplishments:  The real thing is not who won UNO last weekend, but the fact that Nate lost. Carinne and Allie had a great time at the beer festival, tasting roughly 72 different kinds of beers. Current tennis game rankings are Nate: 14 Alex: 1. Carinne got a free pint of Victory beer. RE Jr is on the trivia leaderboard.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    Although some of you may have been asked this as part of your member of the week question, it is being recycled: What game show would you choose to be on if given the opportunity? Please note, game show is not reality TV so things like Survivor do not apply.

FWN Member of the Week: AJ!     

The editor is a failure and did not submit the questionnaire in a reasonable time frame for AJ to reply.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nada   

Look for more next time,

c@r!nn3

The Year of Epic

Official Editor

Dumpelstiltskin: The Rumpelstiltskin of Dumplings

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 10 Vol 5

Important Holidays: Mother’s Day

Weather:  Sunny. Perhaps rainy at points.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Manathon

1.      (noun) Dudes spending an extended interval of time with other dudes.

2.      (verb) When a girl serially dates multiple guys in a short period of time.

Cigar fest is the ultimate manathon.

Song of the Week: O.A.R., Crazy Game of Poker

Trainer Tip of the Week: (Temporary special section as Carinne is voluntarily getting her butt kicked at the gym with a trainer) Take whole wheat pita slices and put PB on them for a healthy snack and a way to get a bit of extra protein. Another option if your protein is lacking, carry a portion of nuts around with you as a snack.   

Notable Accomplishments:  Brandi had her baby! Brielle was 6lbs 4oz.  OGGW 2k12 was a raging success. Carinne won a beer photo contest and got a sweet t-shirt. Bev got a bowling pin water bottle. Cam finished his semester. Carinne and Allie had a successful Dive Bar Derby.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    If you could be transported to an alien world where you were the best looking, smartest, wealthiest, most respected individual there, would you?

FWN Member of the Week: MM!     

The US city MM has never been to and would like to visit is New Orleans. For breakfast this morning she had life cereal and coffee, the latter of which she takes in a cup and black. Lastly, the kitchen utensil that best describes MM’s personality is a whisk, because she’s taken vicoden all week so she’s whipped. (Does anyone else recall Issue 3 Vol 5 where her daughter also chose the whisk? Like mother like daughter!)

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nada   

Look for more next time,

c@r!nn3

The Year of Epic

Official Editor

May the Fourth Be With You

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 9 Vol 5

Important Holidays: National Star Wars Day, Cigar Fest, Cinco de Mayo, Brandi’s Birthday

Fun Fact: The actor who played Darth Maul in the Star Wars Phantom Menace is named “Ray Park” who was born in Scotland. He also played Chuck Norris in another movie, so apparently he’s from the badazz side of the family. For anyone who watches Heroes, he is Edgar on that series, so you may also recognize him from that. Long lost cousin perhaps, who is an honorary member of this issue.

Weather:  Just like saying “le” in front of everything doesn’t make you fluent French, preceding words with “el” doesn’t make you fluent in Spanish. But feel free to try, and when your fake accent annoys an immigration officer so much that he deports you to a Spanish speaking country, you will be grateful for all of the Spanish phrases you learned in songs so that you can get around (ie, Feliz Navidad).

Urbandictionary word of the day (by MM): Exhaustipated

When you’re just too tired to give a sh*t

Barson: I see the Cheez-Its spilled on my bed, and Lana laying across it. But I’m too exhaustipated to do anything. Let’s hope I don’t wake up with food in my hair.

Song of the Week: Ai Se Eu Te Pego, Michel Telo (currently #1 on Latin Billboards)

Trainer Tip of the Week: (Temporary special section as C is voluntarily getting her butt kicked at the gym with a trainer) Instead of using tortilla chips with salsa/guac dips, slice up some bell peppers into chunks to use instead. Cuts on the carbs and is healthy!

Notable Accomplishments:  Get well soon cards go to MM as she is having thumb surgery this week. C threw out her drinking arm but it has recovered in time for the weekend. Brandi had a surprise baby shower today at work. Alex’s car hit 180,000 miles. Greggy graduated, and is running the marathon this weekend. C is still on the trivia leaderboard. The stogie bar crawl last weekend was a success.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    Celebrity Deathmatch… Combining the cultures: Chiquita Banana Lady (female banana) vs Chewbacca.

FWN Member of the Week: Brandi!     

Brandi’s first kiss was during a truth or dare game on the steps of a school, and she is still good friends with that person. The US city she’s never been to but would like to visit is LA, so she could see all of the places in Pretty Woman, with Hollywood Blvd in particular. Her desktop background is her baby sonogram, and she does not like spicy food.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: AL will be hosting a Thirty-One Party; be on the lookout for invites.   

Look for more next time,

c@r!nn3

The Year of Epic

Official Editor

Intermittent, Explosive Disorder

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 8 Vol 5

The title of this newsletter was brought to you by AK, as reportedly this is the scientific term for ‘Road Rage’.

Important Holidays: None

Weather:  Your attempt to change your career to a Rapping Weatherman will fail miserably when your single ‘Data Buoys’ (instead of ‘Atta Boys’) is a huge flop. Just leave this weather section to the professionals, okay?  

I run around checkin all the weath-er / My mom says put on a sweat-er (sweater!) / I roll out in my new rims (snow tires) / Hail comin down’ on my tims (yeah) / Data Buoys. What, data buoys.

Urbandictionary word of the day: YOLO

Acronym for You Only Live Once.

You only live once, that’s the model, YOLO

Song of the Week: The Entertainer, Marvin Hamlisch

 

Notable Accomplishments:  CP has won one free soft pretzel per day from the Pretzel Factory for the entire month of May.  Alex coached her first soccer game. Brandi's mum had brain surgery this week and is doing very well. Brandi is wearing slippers at work due to shoe difficulty with swollen ankles (we are getting close to the first FWN baby!).

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    Mad Lib!!! You need a FWN member & a thing/object.

(name, name, name) of the jungle! Strong as (s)he can be. Watch out for that (thing!)!!!

FWN Member of the Week: Heather!    

Heather’s favorite after school activity was softball, and her senior year she got to pitch. Her first job was babysitting, which she hated. If she were to be an Olympic competitor, she’d probably pick track as she was “fast” in her younger years. The US city she’s never been to but would like to visit is NYC, which is becoming a reality as she will be going at the end of May!

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nada  

Look for more next time,

c@r!nn3

Dasher Dancer Pachan

Official Editor

The Man. The Myth. The Moustache.

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 7 Vol 5

Important Holidays: Darlene’s Birthday

Weather:  The forecast shows that previous episodes of the HSOTW will become useful in your life this week (and not the ‘if the stall is out of TP’ one… which is unfortunately less hypothetical than the editor would find ideal…). As you were once asked “what is a real life get out of jail free card you would like to have”, the radar shows you will find yourself with the opportunity to use it. Choose wisely.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Glamping

Glamorous/luxury camping.

With their air conditioned tent, blow up mattress, and television hooked up, the Hangover Ps are getting a weekend away to go glamping.

Song of the Week: The Used, Buried Myself Alive

Notable Accomplishments:  Allie and Hanover Ps are going to the Pens game tonight (not together, just both will be in attendance). Nicole and Carinne are both sporting new hairdos. Marco, Heather, and BK’s bowling season ended. BK scored a great pair of shoes for $4. Brandi had a successful baby shower. Butler, PA was voted the #7 Best Small Town in America by the Smithsonian. CP took RE Jr off of the leaderboard at HH. Alex threw out her back doing handsprings like she was a six year old.  

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    So in Vol 4 Issue 46 you took various methods to get from the top of the hill to the bottom. Well, now you need to get back up there. How do you get from the bottom of the hill to the top?

FWN Member of the Week: Darlene!   

Darlene’s middle name is Susan. The US city she’d like to go to but has never been to is Portland (on my list also!). If forced to choose an extra finger or an extra toe she’d pick the extra toe. Her favorite cake is chocolate cake with white icing from D bakery.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nada  

Look for more next time,

c@r!nn3

Dasher Dancer Pachan

Official Editor

Get Ready Kids, It's National Park Week!

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 5 Vol 6

Important Holidays: Friday the 13th; RE Jr.'s birthday; National Karaoke Week, National Family Week!!!!! (yes, we ARE that famous.) 

Weather:  There is a 100% chance of aging; however, there is a belief that excessive drinking and sitting on the deck will reverse the aging process.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Speakerphony

Someone who uses a speakerphone to feel like they're important even though it's for something stupid.

Dale: I want a transfer of $2 billion from my Swiss bank account. 

 Callee: Hello, this is Wal-mart...RE Jr.: Keep talkin', speakerphony

Song of the Week: “You're a douchebag Jagr," DVE's Mario (See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jiXnI87d3T0)

Notable Accomplishments:  Bernie is open for the season!  The Pirates won the opening series against the Phillies; Deighton came back for two shifts this past week; the big pine tree (complete with Christmas lights from ten years ago) has now been cut down from the yard; the soft top has been put on the Jeep; new battery for Hondude; Stogie is still number one at the HH for trivia since last week.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    You have tickets to tonight's Pens playoff game against the Flyers.  What do you write on the sign you brought to the game to get on TV?

Stogies and Wine: (Brought to you by RE Jr.): Rockey Patel Old World Reserve-it's square-pressed, but it ain't for squares.  Strong smoke, guaranteed buzz.  Goes well with Las Perdices Malbec.  It's spicy like Argentina.  In fact, it makes you wanna dance!

 

FWN Member of the Week: RE Jr!!!  

If he had to grow a playoff beard and had to dye it an unusual color, he would dye it green.  His chore growing up was doing dishes and also mowing the grass.  His first pet growing up was a poodle mix named Missy.  If he could do anything, he would be a chef or a novelist.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nada  

Look for more next time from your regularly scheduled editor,

Barson

Baberaham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 5 Vol 5

Important Holidays: Good Friday, Easter

Weather:  Similar to a man becoming a werewolf on full moons, when there is a Friday the 13^th in April you may notice a slight change in your appearance. This phenomenon is not known as April Fools but instead is April Ghouls. This April is extra special as not only is there a Friday the 13^th, but also an Easter. And what happens at Easter, peeps? PEEPS happen. If you’re not careful you may transform into a marshmallow filled sugar crusted bunny. Although you’d be a life sized one, roaming the streets. It’s practically a real life arcade game challenge to see how many people will upload photos of you in your peep state before you get ghost busted.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Phone Yawn

Similar to how yawns are contagious; a phone yawn is when one person pulls out their cell phone starting a chain reaction of multiple others pulling out their cell phones.

Alex pulled out her phone to check a text from Greggy. Carinne paused and without realizing it, continued the phone yawn to play another 55-point word against MM in scrabble. Cam would have been on the trend, but he decided to take a stand against technology so he pulled out a pad and pen to hand-write a 160-character message to Jordan and send it through the post office (Jordan’s mailbox is crammed with small notes that are irrelevant 48 hours later, such as ‘hey meet me for lunch in ten minutes’, but on the bright side Cam has single handedly recovered the Post Office’s budget deficiency). Nate, not to be outdone by his archenemy Cam, pulled out a chisel and stone, and there was much Geico rejoicing.

Song of the Week: “Christ the Lord is Risen Today,” sung by various congregations around the globe

Notable Accomplishments:  Lexy was selected to Varsity Football and Basketball cheer and alternate for the Varsity competition team. Lana and Sasha have met and will soon be facebook friends. The LV Family swimming career is over (so they think).

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    Three years ago the overwhelming majority was that cupid would beat the easter bunny in a celebrity deathmatch.

Maybe we need to drop EB down to the minor leagues. In this match, it’s Easter Bunny vs. Elmer Fudd (I'm hunting waaabits)

 

FWN Member of the Week: BK!!!  

The newsletter would like to thank Ms. BK for her continued contributions to the Notables.

If forced to dye her hair an unnatural color, Mum would dye it green. Her household chore when she was a kid was to pick strawberries (that’s a chore? It’s seasonal! Did you pick your azz the other ten months of the year?) and her favorite flowers are tulips. Lastly, when ordering a beverage (alcoholic or non) she prefers them in bottles, if no bottles then can, and if no can she will finally settle on draught.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nada  

Look for more next time,

c@r!nn3

Halloween in April. April Ghouls.

Official Editor