49 Hues of Red

FAMILY WEEKLY NEWSLETTER

Issue 17 Volume 5

Guest Editor's Note:  Many contributors joined forces to make this a successful edition of the FWN as the entire Family is on a cruise.  Thank you!

Important Holidays:  All the subscribers look forward to the return of the Family and tales of their follies.  BK turns 49 and Cam turns 21 this week!  Remember:  growing old is mandatory, growing up it optional!

Weather:  Beautiful, booming showers filled our skies while those in this great country celebrated our independence and the Bucco's blasted into 1st place.  A hailstorm gave the guest editor's garden the smackdown and my million bell petunias evidentally enjoy being beat and look positively radiant.

Urbandictionary Word of the Day:  soberazation.  The act of detoxifying yourself through time.

As the Carnival Pride docks.  BK:  Ronno!  I've come to the soberazation we need to find an AA meeting, now!  RE Jr.:  Shanizzle.

Song of the Week:  Happy Birthday Blues, B.B. King

Notable Accomplishments:  Cam, Nate, CP, BK, and RE Jr. went power snorkeling.  Alex, Tracy, and AL won at roulette.  Nate's iPod was stolen by Poseidon.  CP managed to find a Steeler's bar in the Bahamas.  Mark reports Lana is eating and well behaved.  Her new bff is Jake and she can't wait to bite Barson and the rest of the Park Family for leaving her behind.

Hupothetical Situation of the Week:  contributed by the unsubscriber, Cousin Josh.  You have been granted the right to start your own country.  What would it be called?   Who would live there?  What would it be known for?

FWN Member of the Week:  CLOSED FOR SUMMER HOLIDAY!  Thanks!  (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds:  Fulfill your lifelong dream of editorship!  Contact the Official Editor.

Look for more from another honored party,

AJ

the garden state

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 16 Vol 5

Editor’s Note: This is the last issue from the state of NJ! Interestingly, Vol 1 Issue 23was published in August 2008, and was the last issue before the newsletter HQ relocated to NJ. It was that issue we welcomed Nicole and Mark to the newsletter. Here, the last issue in NJ, we welcome Megan to the newsletter. Cheers and we look forward to her intellectual contribution to the banter!

Important Holidays: Fourth of July

Weather:  A little rhythm, a little blues, and a sunny drafternoon.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Amurica

The phonetic spelling of the redneck pronunciation of America. Pronounced Amurrica (emphasize the mur, elongate the r). Red (neck), white (trash), and blue.

Sparklers in my Budweiser. It’s how we do festive in Amurica.

Song of the Week: See Below

Notable Accomplishments:  REP Jr successfully journeyed to England, and had a discussion where a man asked if he was speaking in an American accent, to which he replied, “No, are you hearing me in an American accent?” Cam has returned from round two of the army. Carinne had her last day at her job. Mark is on the buzztime leaderboard at HH.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week: The only HSOTW that gets repeated, yearly, the Friday of the Family Summer Vaca. Hypothetically speaking, you’re the editor of the newsletter. What’s the song of the week?

FWN Member of the Week: Nada!      

The FWNMOTW office is closed for the summer holiday. Cheers!

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds:  July will be a guest-editor series. If you are looking to fulfill a lifelong dream of editorship, feel free!

Look for more next time,

c@r!nn3

burgh or bust

Official Editor

Don't Grow Up; It's a Trap

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 15 Vol 5

Editor’s Note: Beginning the week of July 9, the newsletter will be published from a new city! Our offices and HQ are relocating!

Important Holidays: Gina’s Birthday, Tracy’s Birthday

Weather:  35 days until the Olympics. Start jogging now, and you won’t feel quite so bad when someone runs a mile in under four minutes, and you can’t even stop running your mouth for under five. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Urbandictionary word of the day (by AL): Stupidhead

A resident of Stupidtown, which is the official name of UM, RE Jr, and AL’s childhood town.

Nate: High School, class of 2012.

Alex: College, class of 2011.

AL: Stupidtown, top of the class.

Song of the Week: Reptar, Sebastian

Notable Accomplishments:  Alex finished her final grad school assignment and is henceforth on summer vacation.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    Inspired by recent events:

Celebrity Death Match: Your shoulder angels, the good one vs the bad one. Who wins?

Please note, this is not for your conscience. So while in real life, if you see someone who needs help, maybe you’d assume your good angel wins. Or if a cashier rings something up incorrectly and you don’t say anything, your bad one wins. This is completely unrelated to anything with any sort of moral consequence.

FWN Member of the Week: Tracy!      

The US city Tracy has never been to and would like to visit is Albuquerque. If she had to give up one of her senses it would be smell. Strawberry is Tracy’s favorite ice cream flavor, and today she is wearing black wedges.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds:  July will be a guest-editor series. If you are looking to fulfill a lifelong dream of editorship, feel free!

Look for more next time,

c@r!nn3

burgh or bust

Official Editor 

Fifty Shades of Grenade

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 14 Vol 5

Important Holidays: First Day of Summer

Weather:  A bittersweet fog will cover the vicinity as eras are ending and others are beginning. Twenty-two consecutive years of the ups and downs of public education are over for LV family. Summer is officially in full swing for the whole newsletter. Cheers.

Urbandictionary word of the day: iFinger

The finger you purposely keep clean when eating, cleaning, etc, so you can use it on your phone.

Carinne gets wing sauce on her face, hair, and all fingers except one. This is the texting and Buzztime iFinger.

Song of the Week: Imagine Dragons, It’s Time

Notable Accomplishments:  Congratulations Nate on graduating from High School! The fourth and final Shaler High School graduation of LV family takes place tonight. Congrats to Cam on graduating from army training! Congrats to Alex for finishing her school year (and the great thank-yous her students sent her)! Get well soon Sasha, who underwent surgery and is now unable to reproduce.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    You’re starting your own cable TV channel. What is it? For example you could do something like ESPN 8, The Ocho. Or, Dive Bar Dish Network. Or, Sappy Chick Flick Channel. All Johnny Depp All Day. All Carinne All Day. Anything you want.

FWN Member of the Week: Gina!      

Gina was named Gina because her mom liked the name and her dad liked Gina Lollobrigida. Her first job ever was in Woolworth’s pet department where she once had to catch a 3lb hamster with gum in its mouth. The US city she’s never been to but would like to visit is Napa Valley (editor is skeptical that she’s never ben there). Lastly, as guest editor, her favorite section to write was the Song of the Week.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Congratulations class of 2012!!!   Cheers, cheers for old shaler high! You bring the whiskey, I’ll bring the wine! Send some freshmen out for gin and don’t let the sober sophomores in. Juniors never stagger, seniors never fall!

Look for more next time,

c@r!nn3

class of 2004

Official Editor

Oh My Goodness, It Looks Like We Got Us a Natural Disaster!!!! : Family News Letter Guest Editor Edition Featuring.....Mark and Gina!!! Volume Alpha and Omega (you prob won't let us do it again after this.....)

Intro: Welcome to another Guest Editor Edition of the FN!!  Just keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times until it comes to a complete and total stop and it is unlikely you will get hurt!!  If for some reason you like to do things you are told not to do, check your local yellow pages for the nearest hospital to your current location..In lieu of the hospital at least know the lcation of the closest bar/liquor store for purposes of self medication....Drafternoon anyone???

Notable Accomplishments: Elmont, NY is all abuzz at Belmont Park (who is an honorary member this week) for a horse of course and I'll Have Another too thank you very much  (Don't forget, you take a horse with a big a$$ in field like this, and you got yourself a winner) ....Lana took 6 naps per day this week.....Chula barked at the mail man each day.....Bo the Wonder Dog just looked damn cute...Mom's Dog was overly affectionate to all who got near....and everyone is going to have a"Dog Day Afternoon" waiting for the work day to stop and the weekend to start.....

Weather Report:  The weekend is upon us and the weatherman is calling for a downpour of gamma rays that are expected to continue through the end of the weekend.  It is imperative that you go hippity hop to the local "pop" shop to gather your fav libations as deck/porch/pool sitting is mos def in your future.  An umbrella of sun screen is recommended but certainly not required.  Little umbrellas in the glass are also optional....Temps indicate it will take 8 to 10 cold "pops"  to keep you correctly libated throughout the day.

Urban Dictionary WOD:  Hung Under

Meaning not to drink, stay home and sleep 10 hours rendering a great feeling of energy and vitality the next day...something most of the members of this forum have never experienced....

Barson: Hey Carinne, you gonna come out with us tonight?

Carinne:  I though I might stay in so I'm hung under in the morning..

Barson:  You gotta come with.... There is a special on Patron and we decided to celebrate Drinko De Mayo!!!

Carinne:  Okay, you twisted my lime...I'm in....

Song of the Week: "Baker's Street"......Atlanta Rythm Section....(I know...G and I are just old school like that and we love sax...)

Special Cigar and Wine Section:

Wine of the Week -- Santa Rita Cabernet; Maipo, Chile:  This cab at approximately $10 a bottle is a steal in the 2010 vintage.  The wine is rich on the palatte and provides deep dark fruit notes with a clean long finish...refined and appealing it tastes like a cab you would expect to pay more than double that to acquire....

Cigar of the Week -- Illusione Epernay Toro:  A medium to full bodied flavor bomb that sends out a creamy rich smoke with hints of pepper, cedar, earth, and a hint of caramel essence; it pairs with the wine of the week to perfection...

FNSOTW:  There was deadlock between the editors on which way to go....sooooooo..we will let the SOTW be readers choice between our finalists.  You pick the SOTW that interested you and why...

1.  Demigod Hate and Destruction Death Match -- Gengis Khan, Caligula, and Ming the Merciless....Who is meaner, nastier, and more monsterous and wins????

2.  You develop a vaccine that will cure all of the worst diseases in the world....but it is fatal to 5% of those who take it.....make billions or back to the drawing board....

And now, back to more levity....

FNMOTW is Carinne!!!!!!!  Carinne is usually writing so seldom gets to be MOTW and was extremely excited about our choice.  The last beer she drank was a Belgian Tripel with a name longer than and harder to spell than Duke's Basketball Coach.  Her choice between Hall and Oates is Darrel Hall because she has an affinity for 4 letter last names.  If Carinne were a mood ring her color would be yellow as she was extremely hung over at the time I asked the question.  Carinnes fav Crustaceans are crabbbbbbbbs ( the sea kind, not the STD)

Gina and I want to thank you for the opportunity to host the newsletter.  Thanks and have a great weekend!!  That's all folks!!!!!

Mark and Gina

Guest Editor's Du Jour

Hopeless Wino's

The 80s Hair-guitar-hero-Band Auditions

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 12 Vol 5

Important Holidays: None

Weather:  While the official definition of a “West Virginia High” is an area of stagnant high pressure located over WV during Indian Summer, this also can apply to the realization that once you’re a Mountaneer you’re always a Mountaineer, even if you get a masters as a Panther, or parent a Bullet, Titan, and Golden Knight.

Urbandictionary word of the day: Smellucination

Similar to a hallucination – to smell a smell that isn’t actually there. Similar vibrucination, where you think your phone is ringing/vibrating but it’s actually not.

For a true smellucination experience, feel free to hang out on Carinne’s couch. Lana hasn’t been on it for over two years but it smells like she was there ten minutes ago.

Song of the Week: The Kinks, Sunny Afternoon

Notable Accomplishments:  Hanovers have opened their pool. Nate survived prom and got jury duty summons. RE Jr also received jury duty summons; will he follow in his daughter’s footsteps and be foreman? CJ finished up. AKP starts again at the bar. Nicole and Tim are participating in their neighborhood garage sale.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    Way back in 2008, Vol 1 Issue 19, when nine people were on the newsletter alias, you were told you got a boat, and asked what you would name it. Answers included 5 O’Clock Somewhere, Flow-Rida, 7s Heaven, Rocky IV…

Well, due to scientific advancements, vacation houses are no longer beach houses, but instead are houses on other planets and in other galaxies. What do you name your starship?

FWN Member of the Week: Barson!     

Alex can run a mile in just under 7 minutes. The US city she’s never been to but would like to visit is Vegas. When asked what kitchen utensil best describes her personality, Alex explained it is a spatula, because she knows what one is. Lastly, the most recent song Alex heard on her iPod was “What a Wonderful World”, by The Clarks.

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nada   

Look for more next time,

c@r!nn3

Web M.D.

Official Editor

Eau de Sunscreen

Family Weekly Newsletter

Issue 11 Vol 5

Important Holidays: Memorial Day

Weather:  Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today. [It's coooold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach?] Not hardly. And you know, you can expect hazardous travel later today with that, you know, that, uh, that blizzard thing. [That blizzard - thing. That blizzard - thing. Oh, well, here's the report! The National Weather Service is calling for a "big blizzard thing!"] Yessss, they are. But you know, there's another reason why today is especially exciting. [Especially cold!] Especially cold, okay, but the big question on everybody's lips... [On their chapped lips...] On their chapped lips, right: Do ya think Phil is gonna come out and see his shadow? [Punxsutawney Phil!] Thats right, woodchuck-chuckers - it's GROUNDHOG DAY!

Urbandictionary word of the day: Splenda Daddy

A man who strives to be a sugar daddy but doesn’t have the funds to pull it off.

After hitting the clubs at the Jersey Shore, Carinne realized all of the dudes in NJ were splenda daddies as they were in their thirties and hadn’t moved out of their parent’s houses yet.

Song of the Week: Alex Clare, Too Close

Trainer Tip of the Week: (Temporary special section as Carinne is voluntarily getting her butt kicked at the gym with a trainer) Protein helps keep blood sugar from spiking too high or low. Including a protein source with each meal or snack can help you prioritize and balance your intake and cravings. This includes eggs, cottage cheese, yogurt, nuts/natural peanut butter, edamame, beans, hummus, or grilled meats.      

Notable Accomplishments:  Wine Fest 2012 was an epic success. Alex passed her praxis. A number of FWN members are ill or injured; wishing all a speedy recovery and a healthy upturn. Cam will return from his first round of out-of-state army duty of the summer only to leave again next week.

Hypothetical Situation of the Week:    It’s Memorial Day Weekend! You’re all ready for your boozin’ and beachin’. Unfortunately on Thursday, before the weekend, you went down to the local gypsy, got a little ballsy, and drank some of her mystery juice. Which unfortunate side effect do you have to deal with for the next 72 hours?

a)      (women only can pick) An unusually large amount of chest hair (and no, your razor, Nair, weed wacker, can’t tackle this… And you can’t wear a shirt to cover it up.)

b)      (men only can pick) A tan line on the top of your chest that makes it appear you wore a woman’s bikini top in the sun for a few days without sunscreen… And unfortunately, like the women, you can’t wear a shirt to cover it up.

c)      Everytime someone says the word “Shark”, you run down the beach like Hasselhoff or Pamela because you genuinely think you’re on Baywatch

d)      An overwhelming sense of threat from every person wearing red swim trunks, so much so that you leap up and challenge them to a sand castle building duel when they walk in front of you.

FWN Member of the Week: Nate!     

Nate has some exciting events coming up in the next few weeks, including Prom tonight and graduation in June. Congrats Nate!

If Nate could sing any song for karaoke and be guaranteed to pull it off, he’d pick Big Bang from Caddyshack. 90 Seconds ≤ how long Nate can hold his breath ≤ how long George can hold his breath. Nate would choose to live underwater versus in space. Lastly, his favorite class in high school was precalculus (honors precalculus, he specifies).  

Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)

Classifieds: Nada   

Look for more next time,

c@r!nn3

Web M.D.

Official Editor