Family Weekly Newsletter
Issue 1 Vol 3
Has it really been ~104 issues? Time flies. Another great year. Thanks everyone! You all make my Friday afternoons hilarious and my workday bearable. The creativity that I hear from everyone is incredible. Thanks for always making me laugh and for putting the WOTW to good use. Additionally: Please remember it’s Spring Forward, so set your clocks up!
Special “clapclapclapclapclap” to the guest editors. They responded last minute and met the editor’s treacherous deadline. Well played!
Important Holidays (Brought to you by RE & BK): March 13, 1781 Uranus discovered. (and here I didn't know I'd lost it)
March 14th: National Potato Chips Day (Bev can have some with her green beer)
March 15, 44BC Julius Cesar Assasinated (and you thought Washington Politics were rough?)
March 15th: Beware of the Ides of March ........ oooooo scary
March 16th: National Buzzard Day (and you Buzzards know who you are!)
March 17th: Submarine Day. the boat type of submarine but feel free to eat a sub
March 18th (no year) The Pilsbury Dough Boy's Birthday (go ahead Dough Boy eat some more cake)
March 18th: National Lacy Oatmeal Cookie Day (who comes up with this crap?)
March 19th, (again no year) Wyatt Earp and Sparky the Fire dog's Birthday (I bet I know how Sparky puts out a fire)
happy.
Oh yeah St. Patrick's Day (or spank a leprachaun day) ....where are you hiding Bevie
March 19th: National Chocolate Caramel Day (Hey you got chocolate in my Caramel!)
Weather (Brought to you by AK): The giant green cloud present during the weekend and first half of the week isn't a tornado warning, it’s a leprechaun warning. Grab hold of your Guinness, Jameson, potatoes, and lucky charms as a swarm of drunken debauchery is on the forecast. Watch out for drunken texts Fifferrererer, and obscene singing and all around bad behavior.
Special Sports & Stogies Section (By RE Jr): After a successful two week launch of the MOCL (Major Outdoor Curler's League), the budding league was forced to shut down as massive melting occurred all over the north east. Pitt loses in their first Big East Tournament game (and all the panther fans in pantherville go boo hoo hoo). Car washing season officially opened this week causing piggy banks across the country to be emptied. Upcoming sports for this weekend: Doggie Bomb Pick Up (Cam and Nate’s favorite), Christmas in March (or as I call it, finally get the outside lights down), NCAA selection Sunday (followed by the lowest productivity of the year as everyone is score/game watchin on their company computers for two weeks) and finally, Ben Rothlisberger's new video: Bally's, Bathrooms and Babes will be released this weekend. In it, Ben describes how his football machismo wins over the ladies and proclaims his secret as: "its all in how you grip it"
Stogie of the week is: Perdomo ESV '91 Epicure. This is a robust smoke with a great blend of Nicaraguan tobaccos sure to give you a stogie buzz. This ain't your granny's tabakee, so stick to your Macanudo if you can't take a little smack down.
Urbandictionary word of the day: recrap
To summarize a discussion comprised of useless BS.
Every week, the FWN recraps all the ongoings of the family and their friends.
Song of the Week (by MJ): Lily Allen, It’s Not Fair
Notable Accomplishments (Brought to you by BK): Lexy made the New Oxford cheer team. We welcome Tim, Nicole’s husband, to the newsletter! CP sang karaoke in Williamsport. The BEVIEK mobile survived its gas tank transplant, get well cards are accepted. Cam bought his 1st Les Paul. Gina got a new job. Darlene is adjusting to all the @#$%ing at her new job. Alex is a high candidate for her summer job. RE JR is never ever drinking again. Most of the snow has melted at LV. Carinne bought her most expensive beer ever ($9.50 at Madison Square Garden) and UM drank a Guinness through a straw.
Hypothetical Situation of the Week (brought to you by R Jr): The government has just given you a visa card with $5000 on it as an economic stimulus. There are a few stipulations: You must spend the entire amount, and you must spend it on someone else. What do you buy and for who? And you cannot say, I would pay off my daughters school loans or make a bill payment for someone. Has to be a material object.
FWN Member of the Week: The FW Newsletter
If the newsletter were given the choice between an extra finger or toe, it would pick the finger (all the more to type with!). If the FWN were to play a sport, it would be baseball, because let’s face it, when you’re watching the game from home it’s really only the commentary that is anything interesting. The newsletter’s current favorite color is purple and for breakfast it had a large serving of crap.
Thanks! (clap clap clap clap clap)
Classifieds: Editor needs new croc flip flops. Black, please.
Look for more next time,
The Paris Hilton of Trenton
New Jersey: not part of the US
Official Editor
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